This has been an awful week for me and I am glad that it is drawing to a close though it is drawing closer to something that I fear. First of all I have been really sick with some pains in unpleasant places and for the now, they seem okay but this is also my last day on meds so we shall see. I am worried about it being something more serious but I can not get into the specialist until the send of September.
The real reason that this is a bad week is that in two days will be the one year anniversary of the worst day in my life and truthfully it freaks me out. I have not been sleeping well and in a panic one night of being left home alone I called TBND to come over and stay with me. I know that this is a sign that maybe I need to “talk” about the fire more but truthfully I don’t want to … but I wish that I would quit crying everything I thought about it.
I have decided to think of the fire as a positive sign – just follow me here. J and I have a bad marriage – all sorts of terrible things happened. We were always broke and things kept going wrong. The only good thing that happened was that I had Skeeter and truth be told even he is a brat! I have started to realize that maybe it wasn’t that bad things kept happening but that they were signs along the way to let me know that this was not the right match for me or us. I think that I have realized that due to my relationship with TBND – I keep waiting for the disaster that fails to happen. Things just keep going good and I am happy and I am starting to believe that this is how life is supposed to be.
So maybe the fire was my wake up call.
I filed my divorce today – and grand total of 182 dollars and in a couple of months I will be divorced at age 25. It wasn’t even emotional to me. I was just filing paperwork. I also changed my name back and got a new drivers’ license ( I had forgotten to change it after the fire – but no more semi-toasted picture for me)
I am also back in school full time and truly it is great. It is almost like a dream some times until the homework hits but I like my classes so far and I think that I am doing the right thing. True it is hard – especially since I do have a job also (though it is not a hard just – just takes up some time – I do need money you know.) I have a new computer and some nicer things around the place and an almost calm atmosphere to study in. I have insurance for my car, apartment, health and life.
I think I have finally become a responsible adult.
Also I have TBND. My love for him is different that anything else that I have had before. He challenges me yet he is also there for me completely in my times of weakness. It keeps things exciting and comfortable at the same time. I never realized it could be like this. I finally think that I understand love a lot more that I did before.
So – one year later (if I can survive past the fifth…. I just wish I could sleep) my life is completely different. I am divorcing my husband of two years. I quit a stable and well paying job to pursue a degree in a completely different field. I am in love with a wonderful man who I try my hardest to make happy and he does the same. My kids are growing faster every day and becoming normal people.
I want to thank my friends; especially Dreamspeaker, Stryck and Skink for being with me for all of this from beginning to now…. There are no words to truly thank you for everything you have done for me. You are the best friends that I could ever imagine existing.
I also want to thank TBND for being him and for wanting this odd thing called “us” to work better than anything that we had even done before. I adore you more each day.
So… I wonder….. what will next year be?