I woke up late again this morning due to not being able to sleep at night. I keep having these nightmares of stuff happening to me and/or the kids. I dream of bombs blowing up our apartment and of not being able to say goodbye to my kids. I worry that they do not realize how much I love them. I worry that I am too hard on them or too mean and that they think that they are unloved or unwanted. I worry about what would happen to them if I was suddenly gone from their life… I do not have a will so where would they go? Would Chuck and J fight it? I can’t believe that these are the thoughts that haunt me… but even now they bring tears to my eyes.
I was late getting to school today and missed my first class. I spend the next two hours wandering around campus looking for something. What, I am not sure. It was so lonely. I just walked and walked as if I was searching for something in particular but there was nothing that I could find to fill that hole inside me. I guess I was looking for some sort of comfort. Some item or mantra to keep me sane. I even pondered another tattoo or a change in my ‘look’. Maybe that would solve the problem. But nothing seemed right.
I know that TBND thinks that I worry too much and some days I hate telling him what I am worried about. Last night and the night before were very hard on me. Tuesday night I wanted to talk to him about ‘us’ and where things were going. I guess I thought it was time to start since I had finally filed my divorce. Maybe it was completely presumptious of me to want to do this but I want to know what he wants. I guess that I fear both disappointing him and also expecting to much of him. I was happy with what we talked about. I want to be with him no matter where that leads me – this much I know and I also know that what we have together is a really good thing.
There is a security I feel when I am with him that goes away when we are apart. I am not sure how to carry it with me during those times. It is sad really, that I feel unable to find comfort when we are apart – it is almost that I feel so alone that I can not feel loved. I realize that it is no longer me against the world but it is still hard to feel something as strong as ‘us’ when I am alone. Is it me? Or is it an issue of faith? Am I too wounded to see and feel that which is good – when I am away from it or maybe I do feel it but the urge to be lonely overtakes it within me. Am I flawed this way?