I had spent time with them before, though it was brief, and I was also a different person then. I was their son’s best friend’s wife and now I am dating their son. I guess it still felt weird to me because I assume that people are structured to judge people… at least that is how it works in my family. I never really realized that not everyone does that.
The kids were on perfect behavior too. I mean, they did great and I was very proud of them both. I know that meeting new people is a little frustrating on a little kid but when they realized that TBND’s parents were fun people, they warmed right up. PJ was pretty bummed out when we had to leave and kept asking when we would come back again. I am so happy that he had fun.
The hard part was that the whole experience made me both happy and depressed. It was a first hand look at a relatively happy family that liked each other’s company. There were visable signs that they all cared for each other, including physical contact and friendly bantering. How foreign. I really thought about my family and now I have a clearer view on why everyone else thinks my family is so odd. We are not this happy picture of a family. My family is distant, cold and non-physical. They do not touch nor act affectionate at all. It now seems so cold and raw – like a badly scripted scene in a sitcom. They are uncomfortable around each other and in their own homes.
God I hope I do not turn out like that.
Other than that… I am tired and more tired. Sleeping has gotten a little better for me but I still wake up sometimes due to dreams – so vivid that I can not tell if they are real or not. I still dream of smoke, screaming and flashes of flames. Maybe TBND is right and I should go and see someone. I just am not sure it will help. I am depressed sometimes when I should feel content and happy and I am starting to think that I may need to go back on my anti-depressants. I don’t really want to. I do fear that it may cause TBND to pull away from me…. I do not want to be someone who has “problems”. I guess that is a reason that I do not try and let things get to me and just plug through the day as is. Maybe I am just to scared to admit that I can not seem to handle everything as well as I should.
I don’t know.