Yes, I function okay in normal society but there are thing that really scare me into not sleeping well, not trusting people or situations, and rearranging my life to avoid things. I can live like this but I really do not want to … nor do I want to make TBND suffer along with me. No one should have to put up with all this stuff.
Truthfully I have seen people in the past but it was different. I was in a ‘group’ in high school for LGBT kids – and that was some what fun until some how my mother found out and all hell broke lose. It was supposed to be a ‘private’ meeting but she can always find things out. She went to the school and ‘informed’ them that the school social worker was holding these sessions with ‘confused children’ and was ‘leading them into a lifestyle’. It was hell and ver embarrassing.
Some time after that I learned from my parents that they were in counseling because of me, my behavior and their inability to understand me. They had been going there for about 6 sessions before the guy wanted to see me also. Let me say in advance that this was through the “Lutheran Counseling Services.” It was an ambush. I think that this guy’s tactic was to try and overpower me to become a “good” and “right” person. It was made clear to me that all of my parent’s problems and stress were my fault. It took a lot to get over this situation.
After that – about 5 years later I did see a psychiatrist in order to help with some mild depression that was really bugging me. I was on a prescription for a while but did stop when I was pregnant with PJ. I think that after the birth of both of my kids I did suffer from a mild post-partuem depression also but I was too busy to see it clearly and no one else told me that they saw it. I never followed back up with that doctor.
It is hard to stop feeling worthless – especially when your parents act as if you have ruined their lives.
I want help now though. I want to stop worrying so much. I want to shake this feeling of being “blue” that has no real value in my life. I want to be happy and enjoy being happy – especially the happiness that is because of TBND and our relationship. I want to sleep and I want the nightmares to stop.
I am a bit scared to go – but for the first time ever, it really feels right. I think that it will make a difference in my life.
I want to thank Dreamspeaker right now for riding with me last night to pick up PJ from his visit with his dad. She was a godsend. I am sorry that the trip was a little hectic (due to two big accidents) The interstate is a lot quicker and safer than the old back roads – but there is more chance of delays. I enjoyed our conversations and realize that out friendship is one of those ‘great ones’ that you only see a few times in your lifetime. I can not guarantee that the trip will be smooth sailing but if you ever want to ride with me again I would greatly appreciate and enjoy it!