To start this entry I must list some things that I have learned this year.
1) I am not sure true happiness even exists
2) Sometime the risks you take � you do regret
3) It is the touch that counts. People need to be touched
4) My life is not the same as yours and I need to not envy that which I do not have
5) I am thankful for my life and all the people involved.
6) Radical life changes have to be sudden and freeing � or else there is no change, just a new prison interior.
7) You can learn a lot about a person from how they kiss you the first time, the fifth time and the last time.
8) Life�s stages are not real� it is all one long painful process.
9) Winter always has the sunniest days� though they are the coldest of all the year.
10) I am not demanding enough of a person any more � I have become docile and unlike my self.
11) I have forgotten that it is my life and I want to have it my way.
12) There is no such thing as true love� there is tolerance and compromise.
Now to expand on them a little bit � or just rant, I don�t know. I am having one of those days where I feel all out of sorts. There are some issues in my private love life that are still bugging me and there is my current stress level (though nothing compared to Dream) but still it is there and there is Christmas and the New Year (and all that crap).
I am worried about love. I am starting to think that it is not really what people say it is and I am so confused. I know that I love TBND and that he loves me but I don�t really know what that means to him or me. I would not say that we have some sort of �true� love � because I think that that only exists in fairytales where people don�t have to deal with kids from previous relationships, baggage, or issues. I think that it starts as true love and morphs into a sort of contract filled with different levels of tolerances, compromises, and rules. If the contract need to get altered � there needs to be a meeting of both parties involved. If, goddess forbid, the contract gets broke � damages get paid out and either a new contract in reinstated or else there is no renewal.
Wow. I sure sound skeptical at this whole love thing, eh? Do I have to right to be? I don�t know. But I even though I love him there are �places we don�t go�, things we don�t talk about and things I do not mention. I also tailor some of my emotions because I do want to be with him and I don�t want to scare him off or have him feel threatened because I need some solid answers. I AM scared that I will lose him but I also do not want to be played with. I need my boyfriend to be someone who is committed to the game and all it entails. I respect the privacy that he needs but I also need some of my own. I do not have to be accounted for at all hours.
It feels like I was wrong as to where the relationship was. I feel a little foolish in admitting it but I was a little heartbroken over the realization. I felt that we were past the basic dating things and decisions. I thought we were over the fact that to date me you must be okay with my kids. You don�t have to become their father but you have to realize that every minute that you are there is longer than anyone else has been � besides me and that impacts them and impacts me at a higher level. Dating me in not like dating some bar girl or sorority chick. I am more of a person than that and I know I am more complicated. Some people might think that it is worth it.
I figure that once you are seeing some and start sharing on a higher level that the entire relationship is on a higher level. Things like financial statements, reading email over their shoulder, and going home to spend the holidays with their families. I know that I grew up in a fairly conservative family � but all this signals something serious to me. I thought that was where we were. I am not saying that we were getting hitched or anything but something more than dating and A LOT closer to living together. Now I still feel like I am back in the dating phase� that I have to be reserved and more subtle about things because we are still starting out.
I know that I have an unfair perspective on a lot of things. Yes, I am used to faster relationship. No, I am not mad or even phased at all that we are not living together right now or even more than that. Yes, I am used to my kids and my 100% accountability. Yes, I do become blind to things like the need for privacy and �completely� alone time. I do not really know what �complete� alone time is � though I have become very close to it this last week.
People need to tell me things and I am open to them. I know that TBND needs more time for him. I know that he is overwhelmed with the kids and the total franticness of my life. I know that my life is overpowering but I also need to know where I stand. I need him to decide if this is acceptable to him. Decisions have to be made so maybe I can feel truly important to him.. not just some �girl� that he dated along the way. I have a hard time seeing why he can�t see that this decision and topic is very important to me. Without making this decision I feel as though he is stringing me along, not allowing me to get a foothold in where we are really at in our lifes together, and that he has placed himself in complete control of �us�.
I know that I said that I was willing to drop this issue and I am not. I love him� so much more than anyone else in my life but I need him to need and want me too. I am not there just to adore and love him. I need him to have some sort of commitment to me. He defined us as a �serious and exclusive� relationship and I don�t see it always being that way. Maybe it is really bad of me to want something more concrete or more tangible but I am afraid that some other issues might get in the way, or some other girl might come along and he can just say� �Well, I decided that I was not ready for the responsibility of kids so its been a nice year but I am out of here.�
Yes, I fear that.
Yes, I realize that even a commitment on his part would not guarantee that not to happen. Yes, I know that dating is full of this kind of doubt and worry. But I am not at the normal stage of dating. I only can date on a serious level for my kids and well, truthfully for me. I am done with crappy relationships held onto out of boredom. I am sick of first dates and unlucky blind dates. I want him.
I have lost the train of thought in my head. I feel defeated. I feel as though I was a foolish girl hoping for a love stronger and closer than what was really there and now I am embarrassed at the truth. I missed him every moment this last week when we were apart and I also felt a little abandoned. I was used to so much closeness and now it feels as though it has been taken away from me and replaced with this version of �us�. I want him. I want to be with him. I want him to want me. As I am. As me with my kids.
Is this too much to ask. I don�t know anymore.