But I don't mean it that way - the way it sounds. I actually really love the holidays. I love getting together with my friends (and even sometimes my family) and just having this overall feeling of happiness. This year, it is not the same. But I don't think that it is the fire that has affected it - except for the money situation (but some of that is the fault of Jon's dad not paying his Child Support for 2 months now.)
I am not upset that I am broke. I am more worried about family who will give gifts and I have nothing in return even though I found the perfect present for them but I am too poor to afford it. I am not even getting the kids anything this year and most of my close friends are getting homemade things (Jeanie the Ever Crafty). the boys won't notice that there is nothing from Mom.... they won't with all the toys from Grandma and Grandpa, Uncle Bill and Tina and Lloyd. But it is the ideal.... I am too poor to get my kids anything for Christmas.
The days around Christmas aren't even going to be fun... sure, we are 'Going Home for the Holidays' but to my parents place in LaCrosse. I have not stayed at my parents house over night since I had Jon 3 years ago... and especially since I got married and had Mike. It felt weird and plus I don't want my mom to realize that I truly am a horrid mom - and things like that come out when one is home for extended periods of time. But fun.. no. The kids will be riled, Grandparents will want to do things their way, I will have no time for myself and plus .. I am broke. Dead broke.
Plus I have developed Superwoman syndrome. On Monday night J and I had a huge fight. He yelled at me for being 'cold and distant' since his mom died and I yelled at him for 'leaving me to do everything.' It sucked and now there is this weirdness there. He wants to kiss and make up and I want to crawl in bed and cry. This whole parenting things and marriage thing is eating at my soul and it HURTS.
I know that marriage is easier when you don't walk into it with kids and all but that was unavoidable. But now, there is so much and some of the things that are making us broke are things I never knew about before the marriage (his school loans... which he has yet to call on and try and get reduced.) Maybe I have to claim bankruptcy to make it better. I want him to get a second job but to motivate him takes an army .. I could get one but that would mean getting a sitter even more and that pretty much cancels out any profit. Broke... Dead Broke without a way out. Maybe the kids will have to stay home one day a week with James - that saves like $200 a month....
I would love to not go home. Plus I am supposed to go home from December 23 - 26th ... Back to Madison to work on Friday and Saturday ... Back to La Crosse on Sunday to spend the day with the other 'grand kids' who are not coming up till later on... Then back home to work on Monday. I have a half day on New Years Eve and New Years Day off. My only sanctuary in this crazy cycle is going to be New Years Eve. I get to go to my best friends house (Dreamspeaker) and hang out for the night (and Dream... You don't even have to clean for us! We love you and we don't care!)
This is my rant... Though slow and soft.