I have come to realize that my problem is not that I am crazy. I am crazy. My problem is that I am depressed. No the lying-in-the-mud depressed just the surface depressed.
I feel alone.
I hate feeling alone especially when I am NOT alone in actuality. I start feeling this way at about 4:30pm ebery day and it continues until I go to bed. Strangely familiur feelings.
I feel responsible.
I turned down this awesome show to get my kids home safely (and though I know that it makes me a 'good mom' - it still means my 'own' life is on hold for a while in some ways)
I feel alone and it sucks.
I can't seem to get rid of this feeling. I am sick of keeping the house up, keeping the kids taken care of, keeping the bills paid and the food in the cupboards. I hate coming home to the same mess from the night before - that he could have spent his whole morning cleaning instead of sitting on his ass watching tv. I hate the fact that he is depressed and that my world and my problems are supposed to stop completely for him. I don't work that way.
I have decided something I want to do... for me. It is a big thing and a secret... I am not even going to share it here until I am sure that it is a go (then I will share with all you guys) This is my last chance at something big and I hope I am given that chance. I had always hoped to be a writer (though I would never expect to make a living off of that so that is not this dream). I should know in about a month and a half if I get my chance and it all begins. I know that he is not going to support this probably but I have to do it.
I am worth it.. right?
If he doesn't understand and support me on this ... maybe we won't work out after all. I think I have finally made the decision that will change my life - if only it works out that way.
God I hope so.... I need this. Hopefully luck is on my side this time.