I am disappointed in J. I don't mean to be and I try so hard to be forgiving and a "good wife" but now I am just sick of all this crap. I have never felt like I was so much on my own in my life then since I have been married and I am sure that is not right. I can't see my friends as much as when I was single and he is not a companion.
Our daily routine involves me waking him up - he sleeps on the couch - and asking him to help me get the kids ready. I get dressed while he gets them dressed. I take them down to the car and go to work. I come home (after getting the kids from daycare) and get them inside. He might arrive home anywhere from 6pm-10pm depending on his work schedule. I get the kids feed and to bed and start cleaning things up. He always comes home tired. He always says that he was going to the dishes earlier that day but ran out of time. The TV is turned on. I go to bed at about 11:00pm and he stays up to watch TV and eventually fall asleep in front of it at 3 am. He complains about not getting good sleep at night. This has been the pattern since we moved in to the new place. I am not sure I would be able to share the bed - I have slept alone for four months now.
I think that he is also afraid of fire again and maybe that is why he stays up so late. Also I know part of the problem is that he refused to believe that he needs a structured sleep cycle. He claims that he is an insomniac but I think that if he stopped chugging caffeine and established a bed time and wake up time that he would fix the problem. He thinks I am wrong. So fuck it. He gets every Tuesday of without the kids and never manages to accomplish anything. Why? He falls asleep... Every time, every afternoon.
I cook all the meals. I keep track of when we need something for the house or when the kids are out of diapers. I clean the house. I do the dishes. I do the laundry ... I even sort it and put most of it away . I do leave him his to put away. Did I do this to myself or does every man become this once you marry him? Is this my next 'however many years' ? How do I add school and MY desires into the mix without becoming totally burned out. This sucks.
Is there a way to stop this process? I am so frustrated and I keep doing even more to over compensate and get myself ahead of schedule so I can get a break. But I have other things I need to get done.... SCA stuff, school stuff, personal stuff. Am I being selfish to believe that I get my own time?
I am so bummed about this and have no solution in mind. It is hard with two kids to seem to be in the strong relationship - and then realize that you are all on your own, completely alone, working to make your life, their life and his life easier.... And getting nowhere fast. I love my kids so much and I want to give them everything that I can ... But I wish they had a better example of a dad. My dad was great... He helped out, he really took care of us and taught us things. He was a class act and I don't think that my kids are getting the same influence.
J just has different values from me (strange coming from the liberal rebel) but it is true. On Sundays he feels (since it is the weekend) that is okay for the boys to run around at home with no pants on. This totally is not okay with me and makes me uncomfortable. I have told him this but he does not care on my opinion... His response is that the boys have told him that hey don't want to wear pants. GRRR. Also, he has friends over during this time and though I know some of them well enough to trust them... There are some I do not. And I have dated a man in my past who was convicted for sexual assault on a minor (he was up front about it to everyone) and you would have never known if he had not told you. I DO NOT trust everyone and their intention with my children... They are too precious to me and the world is too fucked up.
I want my boys to grow up to be 'good kids' and I am trying hard to instill that in them. J also favors Mike over Jon and can't see that he is doing it. I can. I hear it and I see it. I think that slowly that is affecting Jon and I don't like where that may lead. I just want them to be normal kids; smart, stable, and respectful. I want them to have fun but to be careful. It is hard to raise them the "right way" - since there really is no right way or one way to do it. I am just not sure that J is the best example to live up to - and that scares me. Maybe this will be a problem or maybe not.
The next few months and years are going to be interesting..... I do not know any more the path that I follow or where my life may lead me. I am not J and I will always be together; or that my hopes for the boys will turn out. I have my own goals with school to concentrate on and if I can not get him to be part of this ... Maybe things will have to change and I will do it on my own as I am now, with just one less person to carry along. I don't want to sound defeatist but I am at the point and age in my life that I feel I should get some respect for my ideals, my dreams and my desires for my kids. If he is completely unwilling to be there for my on these terms (which are not hard or restrictive) may other things have to be tried (counseling or therapy) or maybe after that measures have to be taken.
At some point I have to do what is right for me .. I refuse to be left behind, pushed aside or forgotten. Is this selfish?