First of all�. I am thinking that maybe I should stop sending out an email to everyone when I update. I am not sure if it is like or disliked. I have also decided as a point of sanity to write an entry everyday � I am going to try for right away in the morning before I go to work. I need a serious change in my schedule and I think that this may help me. I love writing and I need to get up earlier so I am not such a space case in the AM. We will see and maybe � all of you who read this � let me know if you want me to keep emailing you when I do update� if you do say yes, I might ask you to join my notify list so I do not forget anyone. Please joint the notify list!!!!
Well. Tonight. Damn Fuck Damn. As you may as well know� tonight was the ending to a part of one of my favorite relationships. Chris and I have officially ended the physical part of our togetherness. And I have to admit � I tried really hard not to cry and failed. Part of me feels extremely empty but the rest of me realizes that I have not lost him at all � I have just lost a part of our relationship. He held me so close and so tight � made me think that it hurts him too. I broke� I started crying and he held me closer. No matter that he has said that we must stay this way � I will still wait for him to want me again. I can�t help it. Just like I wanted to apologize for crying and for taking it so hard; but that would be like apologizing for loving him. I am not ashamed that I love him or even how much I do love him. It is just not right at this time but even though our relationship has changed my love has not and I will still do anything that he would ever ask of me. I am trying not to be hurt and I think I am doing well. I truly am happy that I am not completely losing him� especially since he still owes me half of two anime series to watch. I still have to finish the rest of his b-day present� it is going to be late but that is pretty typical for me.
He know that the tattoo I got was my representation of him and I � it was for him and �of� him for me. I choose the bondage angel firstly because it is a favorite picture of his and hangs on his wall; secondly because it is a favorite picture of mine; and thirdly because of the thoughts it provokes. The angel with wings bound is kinda like our relationship and the defiant expressions match perfectly. He will forever be my vice and my weakness� maybe someday things will be different again between us and I can once again feel the love and security I crave when in his arms.
Darkness.
If I could beg you on hands and knees
Would you kiss me again like that?
The way that melts my legs and
Sends tingles up my spine?
Would you listen to my silent prayers
Of feeling your hands upon my skin?
Or I am just one more memory
That you will never touch again.
You will not tell me with spoken word
Of any emotions that you have held
But arms wrapped tight around me
Shake with all emotions felt.
I held it together and barely cried
The night we ended with our last one
But in my car before I drove away
I lost myself in deep free tears.
I will cherish you like no other man
And my love will never faulter.
Someday maybe you will return to me
And again be my faithful lover.
Darkness now is all I can see
Out the window where I sit and stare.
No moon or clouds cover my path
For I feel so alone out here.
I miss your tender touches soft
And your voice whispering in my ear
As you must miss my sweet kiss
And the way I loved to be so near.
Good night my lover, far from me
And sleep well this night I pray.
For you have been a guide to me
Along life�s lone highway.
BTW - the series that I watched last night with Chris was one of the best I have ever seen. I am totaly addicted and can't wait to see the rest of it.