I want to talk about my mother.
I got a call from my mother on Saturday and unfortunately some of my friends were over and had to listen to it all... The long painfulness of my mother. I really wish I had the parents that I liked. I like my dad. But, going back to me being cold and distant, I am not sure I would be hurt I I didn't see my mother again for a long time. We spend about 1.5 months after Christmas not communicating; and my life did not feel like I was missing anything. My mother is a strange creature.
On the phone she said to me, "Maybe you should trying cleaning your house some."
And later on, "You are cursing you children by not taking them to church."
And even later on than that, "I wonder how long you plan on being a failure in life."
I love my mother. Hmm.
Maybe it is a mom-thing or maybe my mother just sees the world through warped and twisted eyes but I don't think that her statements are meant to help me. She has already made it clear that I am way beyond her help or anyone's help to be exact. I am not telling her about school or much of anything more in my life. This is just a bitch of mine. I think that I have tried to be the 'good daughter' - not all of my life but at lead the last few years and she is the cause of my stress in this life.
She has made it clear that I am a "bad" mother and have no positive things for my children. They are condemned to live a life like mine and to be a person like me. They are not part of a church or religion so therefor are going to have "hardships and struggles." I am not fit to be their mother. Woohoo... Self esteem and the faith in myself keeps rising.
She is never satisfied... No matter how hard I try or how high I go.
I have a pounding headache; probably from not eating anything yet. I guess I have to go do that huh? I just don't feel like it even though now my stomach hurts. I cleaned all last night... And it took me forever to get things caught up - see if I ever leave things for him to do again. Not going to happen. I ache all over and my wrist hurts even more because of the MRI and the fluid that they had to put into my joint.
Oh fuck it... Typing hurts to much and my thoughts keep straying to being depressed and cold.