I don't like it becuase it leads to dependance. I know what everyone is going to say- Marriage is about dependance and relying on one another. I hate that. I hate the fact that if I suddenly became a single parent I could not make it on my own. I do not make enough money to handle working and the kids. This makes me very scared and very unambitious. I feel that I can not be on my own and so I feel as though my life decisions are no longer about what I want but what I can afford.
How depressing.
I think that this is why I am in a funk lately about money and the future. I feel that I live in a grey world and i am stuck there due to all this money crap. Maybe school will put me ahead but most likely - I'll probably never finish. WE don't talk about me going to school anymore... he just talks about how he is going to finish and how he is going to do it. I feel alone again.
so alone. I think that he has been trying more lately and swears that by him staying home with the kids during the day that the house will be clean - things will get done. But alas, I do not think so. This whole trying thing and the over affectionate is is becoming is actually creeping me out. Have I passed the point of caring enough?
I am starting to think that I am a cold person.
Maybe that is right. I am cold.
I do this is most relationships... The excitement is over and I want to push them away. I have only met / been with two people in my life that I have not done this to and unfortunately neither are my husband. I made the mistake of doing things in the excitement phase (getting married and having mike) that every girl should know better. I am trying so hard to make it work; for myself, for him, and so that everyone does not think I am the cruel cold person that I may be.
I feel stretched and fake.
Emotional I feel like a void right now and I don't think that feeling is going to start up anytime soon. I feel numb inside.
Damn me.