Be Myself

No Sleep at all
2003-03-31 - 1:35 p.m.

Well... I have come to some great revelation. First of all it is now 1 pm in the afternoon on Monday and I have been up straight from 7:30am on Sunday. I have no desire this time to disclose why I did not sleep last night or more to say where I did not sleep last night. For once this is a private matter. But I will say that it was an incredible night of both great please and pain. It was one of those nights you never forget and that changes you so much. I am thankful.

I do have a confession to make though...

***gets on soapbox, removes hat and bows head.****

<> I owe someone a statement and I must make it before the rest of this makes sense. I have done an injustice to an "item" and I owe it an apology because I am now starting to quote and draw inspiration from it.

**clears voice**

Chris, Anime is a Hobby.

<> I am so ashamed.

***gets off soapbox and uncrosses fingers.****

Okay - there I said it.

Here is the thing. I am finished. I want more. I want more for myself.

The anime reflux comes from the fact that I have drawn this strong inspiration from a series called Battle Athletes. I am not sure if it is my lack-of-sleep-brain-waves but I can see the point of the series so clearly... To the point that I am matching up characters and places in my head. I am a little tired :-) It has actually had more of an affect on me than I am willing to admit. I was raised up and I feel different. **blushes**

So I am finished. I am sick of spending all my free time cleaning the house. I am sick of doing all the cooking and all the tending. I am cleaning this weekend and from now on it is only going to be "upkeep." I have too much to do..of the stuff I have control over. I can not be a mother to a grown man nor his baby-sitter. He must wake up or .. I don't know what.

I want to finish school and I have a list of other goals. Right now I am working on the 6 year time span. That should allow me to finish school with more than a B.A. - I want more than that. I have 5 other major goals... And one minor one (the anime admittance - so that is accomplished) I am trying hard this time. I DO NOT want to take years and years to finish school. I want to get ahead now.

I heard someone tell me that he loved me last night. It was done so wonderfully that I could FEEL that he loved me. This was new to me. Strong emotions do not seem to blow my way (unless they are mine). And I was angry when he said it...and it calmed me down and soothed me in an wondrous way. He has changed my life in so many ways in the last few years that I owe him a debt I can never repay. I am charmed that someone loves me that much - even though our situation is estranged. I want to feel. Even if it a little different. I hope he understands me through all of this and realizes that I am happy for our situation for it could be better, yes, but it could be so much worse.

I am tired now... Really tired. I think I will try and write more later on. My slow brain is still processing a ton of information; words, touches and emotions. I am a little taxed out.

Help us stay afloat during Leukemia treatment... All help is appreciated more than you will ever know. Thank you!

then || now