My best friend wrote me something very special to me in my guestbook and I have been thinking about it a lot for the last couple of days. It was about the fear I have in being in love right now. She told me, �When you truly deeply fall in love, you WILL be scared, and uncertain, and go through an identity crisis. You will be scared crazy because you don't want to love because of lesson number one, but alas, love in uncontrollable. Love is the one thing where giving in to it is worth the pain you may feel if you are disappointed, so just stop worrying and enjoy it.� Thank you Dreamspeaker � for actually telling me this. You are why I am trying to write this.
First I had a wonderful day today. I spent the morning with TBND and the afternoon with my friends in our own Iron Chef competition. The reason that today was so spectacular for me was that TBND came with me hang with my friends. This meant more to me than he will ever know. To see all of them hanging out together having fun made me so happy that I was just a bunch of giggles. I think that he felt very comfortable with everyone and I even got some PDAs with out the world shaking � it all felt so natural. I hope that he did enjoy himself as much as he told me he did. There was nothing missing.
I no longer want to apologize for my feelings and this may just make it more painful in the end. But right now I am totally euphoric � dancing on air � happy. And my experience of this happy has been few and far between and suddenly the possibility of this happening more frequently is making me even more giddy. I understand fully the boundries that I am in. But I have figured this out � the boundries define the base of this relationship not the potential or the intensity. I have decided to let all the walls down for him. No matter if he is doing the same. I want to give into the feelings that make me this happy. I want to just enjoy this happiness.
So I will.
Dear TBND
I want to say thank you for today � for everything that made me smile. I had hoped for a great day and was completely blown away. I woke up early this morning � completely giddy in excitement. These Sundays make me feel so much like a woman who is loved and adored. In my mind, you take such good care of me in one day that it lasts all week. I used to fear that it was only the sex you liked and then you opened up to me and I believe all you told me. I know that we did not talk much today � and I was expecting some discussion on my last entry as you had stated but no matter.
I enjoyed getting dressed up for you. I bought that shirt special for you to see. I love the looks you give me when I am all fixed up for you. It makes me feel even more beautiful. I love your arms wrapped all around me, feeling your body pressed against mine. This is when I get to tease you. The sex this morning was incredible and the best healing I had all week. I love the closeness I have with you.. and the soft kisses you place in my hair after we are done.
The afternoon was a fun day of casual flirting and laughing. I was so giggly and happy all day � thanks to you. I love the fact that you wanted to be with me this afternoon and you were a wonderful companion. I felt special and comfortable. I love the fact you were comfortable with me and with my friends enough for me to be slightly affectionate with you.
I know that thing are stuck were they are now for who knows how long but you are so important to me. I am thankful for your encouragement and blessed by your affection. I live for my Sunday time with you.. for it makes me feel whole. I have to admit that I have lost a large part of my heart to you forever. I feel complete with you and I find that feeling intoxicating. Please let me revel in it.
I want you to know that I love you. How much I love you and that I feel it is worth it to embrace this feeling. I hope that I can, at least in some small way, make you happy. I want to make you happy in any capacity I can. I want to share with you even more now then ever. You know more about me than any other person in the world � and it humbles me when you care for me. Your touch makes me weak in the knees and your �real� kisses are something I crave more than anything.
Please accept this from me for I want to follow my heart no matter the restrictions. I no longer fear the love I feel though I do know now that I am deeply in love with you and will enjoy it as much as possible; no matter the heartache that may follow. I hope you let me and that you enjoy this journey too.
Goodnight, love� how I wish I was sleeping wrapped in your arms.
Love,
Techdragon.
p.s. I promise to shut up about all this for a while ... :-) I probably am making everyone sick or something. (happy feelings make me a little dizzy)