I realized last night at precisely 8:45 pm that my life is not what I thought it was and I am complete upset. Not mildly upset � completely.
I learned that my religious inspiration and the man that had held some of the greatest influence in my life � has changed his mind. JUST changed it. He is now a born-again Christian � though I have no problems with his choice � he just started pushing it on me. Saying that my problems would all be solved if I found God for Good is good. My adopted mother, his wife, is a devote Christian (always has been) and never once has she ever pushed her beliefs on me. I respect her for that and now feel lost for him not doing the same. My mentor in life�s many things has changed into someone I no longer recognize.
This has made my faith stronger.
I learned last night, that J really is only my husband in the boundries of a piece of paper. Yes, I understand that there were vows said and I have tried not to take them lightly� but there was no bound formed in the eyes of my faith. There is no bond. It is like we are just roommates who just happen to share a couple of kids.
He is looking to others for companionship right now (on an online "adultfriendfinder.. he has advertised he is looking for phone sex, erotic chat and email... plus "more")� and what can I say? I have done the same and through a nasty twist of fate � it will probably be me left completely alone�.. with out him or TBND. I will be able to handle that I think � though the losing of one will make me more upset than the losing of the other. He is looking for sex somewhere else � if the pay-per-view porn wasn�t enough. I no longer can give to him� there is nothing there that makes me desire him in that way. He is not my companion nor even really my friend. I do not seek his arms for safety or comfort� for they have NEVER provided that for me. I think that he does love me� he is just unwilling to give any part of himself for another. I am tired of giving my everything to him to try and make things better for us. I am tired of being so much and him being nothing. He has forced me to despise him on a primal level.
I cried myself to sleep last night but who cares?
I can ask no more of TBND � for he already gives me everything he can and for that I am thankful.
I always fear saying things to forward here in regards to TBND and my current situation. I fear that I will push him away and that I am in someway wrong about us. There is an uncertainty there that I try hard to shake because there is also so much I am certain of. All I will say, lest I make a fool of myself, is that I love him. I love being with him no matter what we are doing. I miss him when we are apart. And I wish to know him even more. Slowly � for he is my friend and so much more. With him I can feel again and it feels as though he loves me.
I fear that I will lose him some where down the road � for it is time that will be my only judge.
I feel so alone right now and I just want to be held by someone. I am so foolish for this thought. I am strong � so why has this sense of helplessness taken me over. Why should I desire affection like this. I can handle all of this myself. Stop crying and grow up. I must accept my situation for I have made it. I feel that I have let myself down for I have opened up that raw part of me to someone. The part that closed up when I was 16 years old and was locked up completely a few years later� has been opened and now I want to trust that thing will work out in the end. When I am with him I am happy that I have opened up � it makes it all so much sweeter. Please let it all work out in the end.
When is the end?
Tomorrow � me and my broken arm must haul two kids to five different stores to run errands. Life goes on no matter that I am sore, tired, scared or alone. This is my life now.
Maybe I should put thoughts of school behind me. Maybe I am not strong enough to break free and do it myself... though I do not think J and I will actually legally part ways any time soon. He is comfortable in his life � he hates change. Maybe I should wait even more to finish school�.
I am sorry that this entry is so disorganized and mixed up� this is just how things are floating in my head and
I am also censoring them somewhat. I wish not to offend.
Let me say this. Another diary I read stated this and he captured my feelings for TBND in his feelings for another. Forgive the pronouns and please read for I can not find words like he has. I am sorry, everyone�. But this is how I feel.
"Through these pages, I have met a girl that I would die for.
I don�t mean I have met a girl to whom I am attracted. I don�t mean a girl I would like to date and to have some fun with.
I mean a girl that has reversed my lifelong beliefs on love, on marriage. I mean a girl who has literally turned my entire life around and given me things to wish for. A girl that has taken half of my heart, and it�s going to take everything in my power to be with her that I might be close to it again. A girl that has changed everything that I ever knew to be real, and has given me the wings I threatened to grow from Day One.
A girl who has become nothing less than my reason for breathing.
She and I found each other here. On this website, we were brought together. Nothing could ever sound so thoroughly unrealistic in my opinion, but here I am.
I told her that I�m not a clean slate. I told her that there�s �baggage�, as it were, that comes as standard with me.
�I don�t care,� she said."
This is it.
I am done for now� this is hard to type with one hand. Plus, I am all drained out. This is all I have in me right now and I will no longer apologize for my feelings. My life is not well� my marriage is a joke � and I am a fool. I am not the woman I thought I had become. I do not know how others see me but I do know that when I am with TBND I feel that I am the person I wish to be � when I come home to my emptiness and uncomfortable life� I become this. I think that if I lived as honest as I felt � then these feelings of my stronger self would not fade when we parted.
How do I live that way?
I must continue on�����������..