Funny how when you stop writing that all these words jump into your head.
I was scared and I was lonely and somehow I managed to lose myself in other people�s judgements. Am I that easily lost? Can I in a moment of weakness lose sight of all that was precious to me and lose faith in my decision� just because some decided to be mean? That is was it, you know. He was being mean and then being kind � the switching threw me off my game and suddenly I felt lost, scared and lonely.
But I was not lost� I was found. Last night I gave him the papers to look over and told him that I wanted him to move out by July. It wasn�t as had as I thought it would be and all in all I think it actually went well. By no means did I surprise him and nor am I going to be a bitch about everything. There is no need to be.
Some days I am the last in line to learn things most especially when it come to my own life. I am a bit on the blind side and even more deaf then most people. But last night after I had talked with James and was feeling a little shaky I fully came to realize that which has become a major thing in my life� my boy and the love that we share.
It was almost midnight and I was tired and a little strung out. I have company coming this weekend (hi stryck!) and in my panic and worry I have forgotten to clean the house� I have a lot of stuff to do on Friday night � not withstanding some other obligations and the kids. I was mad at myself for not accomplishing the things I needed to do while waiting for James to come home. But I was nervous.
I had gotten ready for bed and was curled up under the cover when I got that increasingly familiar feeling that something was missing. When I closed my eyes I could feel him, his arms around me and his breath on my neck. I missed him. I knew it was late but I also knew I could call him� so I did. I fully admit that the sound of his voice made me almost giggly and hyper all over again. Truthfully I had just seen him a few hours earlier but only for a short time and it is never enough.
James always told me that he loved me� almost on an obsessive level. Thinking back on it now � it almost sounded like he was constantly convincing himself of it. I never felt really loved by James and I always thought that it was my fault � as if I was not programmed to feel that. Now I realize that is completely untrue. With TBND it is so different � we rarely say �I love you� but I can feel it all the time. It took me a while to accept it because I feared it but now I understand it and I revel in it.
There is something special growing there and I do not think it will ever be done growing. I want to call him al the time just to tell him my thoughts, about things I have seen or just everything I can. I want to listen to him share with me � anything! I finally understand the concept of being someone companion and why that is one of the keys to making a relationship work.
I have been blessed with some wonderful relationship now and in the past though none of them were romantic in style. My friends are some of the best people I could ever know and within them I have found myself. They are a treasure to me that nothing else could ever replace. I hope that they truly realize their value. This circle also gets bigger and better. When stryck married the love of her life � I was lucky again to again get a wonderful friend into my life too.
Dreamspeaker is getting married soon and had asked me to be part of her wedding. I was really happy to accept the wonderful invitation but trust me I had some lingering troubles. I think that Dreamspeaker and Daygen have a great relationship and they have spent a lot of time working on it and getting to really know each other. I am proud of them. I know that they are both committed to making it work and have had a lot of discussion on their �issues�. I felt as though maybe they should have reconsidered me as part of their wedding for here I was � failing time and again at my own relationship and even now I was getting divorced. I did not want to be some bad influence on them and their happiness. Maybe this was a crazy thought but it did affect me for a while� I think that I am over it as looking at bridesmaid dresses just makes me giddy! I can�t wait for their wedding� it is going to be awesome.
And that brings me to my own future. I have spent a lot of time in my past and I think that is has been part of the problem� I would not say that I dwell there but I think that I take the influence to much to heart. I know what I want know. I want to finish school, get a good job and be able to provide for my boys. I want to be happy with someone special in my life and I want that same person to be there for my boys.
Truth be told� I want to be with TBND. Flat out honesty is that I just want him to be there for all of this. I also want to be there for him where ever he may go. We tend to talk in vague things � but that is very appropriate to the situation and our forcing ourselves to go slow. I don�t even think that I need to say a lot of this stuff to him � he just knows it.
It took me along time to admit defeat with James� and I think that that is the right way to think about it. I tried and I failed and in the end I was defeated. I was left confused about love � even more than when I walked into the relationship. I know that there were things that both of us did that was not playing fair. I did unforgivable acts but then again � he knew of them and never told me/asked me to stop.
We were just not meant to be together and I wish that I had seen it long ago. I thought it was love. I did not know better and I think that many things lead to me finding it out. I am not sure I can actually regret marrying him. There are good things that came out of it. Skeeter ( my youngest) was born due to my marriage, I met and got to know TBND and I also was able to truly realize what a bad relationship can be. I found more of myself and my strengths in the failing of this marriage then I ever would have found in its success.
So do I leave it as a better person?
I think that I do. I think that I am more of myself now than I ever have been. And then there is my boy who insists on seeing the real me and letting myself be comfortable with him. He is my own personal revelation and strength. There is something to be said about love� when it is right.
It becomes this force in your life that does not push but guides.
It becomes this light in your heart that makes you feel warm inside
It becomes this feeling that you are not alone and that someone is waiting for you.
I can�t leave this diary� It is my forum for my life.
Love,
tech