2003-09-29 - 1:57 p.m.
Water Goddess. You like peace and serenity and are
usually content with life.
What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
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So as for a Monday morning � this is not a BAD one just an inconvenient one. The cats managed to open the door to the freezer section of my fridge last night (probably around 11pm) so that when I got up this morning, it had all been defrosted. I think that I am just going to try and cook up most of the meat tonight and keep it in the fridge to use this week. Once cooked it should last about 1.5 weeks or so. Damn cats. I also think that Skeeter is now convinced that he is an only child since we did not go and pick up PJ last night. He is way too happy about this but hopefully will not be too disappointed when PJ comes home on Wednesday.
On Sundays TBND usually spends the night at his place � giving him some time on his own and letting me have some alone time too. I am not the most at ease with being home alone but it is something that I have to do. I used to be better � times change and kids change it even more. I spent a lot of time thinking last night about my past relationships and the one I have now. In comparison, the ones in the past are nothing like I have now and it has truly made me �see the light� so to speak.
Since I started to get to know TBND in Feb. 2001 I had always had an attraction to him but of course felt some guilt in wanting to get to know him better. He was my husband-to-be�s best friend after all and that is usually a place for space to be let in. I realize now that it is/was the time invested that has led us to where we are. The morning of the fire � after we had all gotten to the hospital � I was trying to think of a plan. I knew right away that my life had changed and at that moment there were four people I needed to call immediately. Some of them were unavailable at that moment Dreamspeaker was not called (she would be off to work and not reachable) though I knew that I needed to have her reassure me that it would all be all right. Stryck was not called (she lived too far away to help me right then) but I needed her to cheer me up somehow. Skink was called (she seems to be always available and near by) because I knew that she was ale to handle both my parent and help me with the kids in the hospital. TBND was called (I wanted to call him first but I was not making the calls) and he, I just needed, even though he would not be able to be there for me as I wanted him to be at that time.
I just wanted him to hold me and tell me it was all going to be all right.
I know that I talk too much about the fire and everything. I know that it is annoying that it still brings tears to my eyes but not all of that is sadness. Some of that is due to the generosity of my friends in my time of need (they outshone my family by light-years) and the changes that the experience has caused in my life. In some odd way I am almost thankful for the fire � especially since it did not take my children or my life away from me.
I have never loved like I love TBND. Yes, the love I have for my kids is unconditional and multi-level but it is so different. I was thinking last night about how lucky I am. There are so many different layers and levels to our relationship and I think that is one reason I feel so changed. I am not hiding from him at all. Unfortunately for him, he does see me as I am and has already endured some of the demons on my nature. He has watched me break down crying. He has been there when I lost it. He was there when even I did not want to be with myself. I am sorry that I carry so much with me and that I am so difficult.
He is my friend, my lover and my partner. I finally understand the multiplicity of love. 25 years, 2 kids and one divorce later � I finally get it. I am thankful that we haven taken things slow. I am thankful that he has decided that I was worth the effort it takes to be with me. I realize that my life is not simple by all means and not everyone wants to suddenly have two young boys around all the time. There is something in the way that he looks at me and touches me that makes me believe in him and his love � like I have believed in no other.
I missed him last night. It is harder to fall asleep when you are missing the warmth next to you.
I hope that I am not too sappy or whiny. I realized today that I have not been writing my poems of late. It actually has been almost six months from that last one. I guess that means I am happy huh?
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