I think that I am going to stop seeing my counselor.
I personally think that this is a good decision for me. After talking with her twice I have learned a lot of things that I already knew. Maybe that does not sound right but it makes sense to me. There is nothing inside of me that I do not know about � no traumatic event that I have sheltered from myself and yet, it is almost as if she is trying to pull one out of me. I know that there is the obvious fire, struggling, and mother issues. I just think that I am better off on my own with some of them and sharing others with friends and TBND.
I hope that this decision is not taken poorly by anyone.
Yes, I know that it takes time. Yes, I realize that sometimes you feel worse before you feel better but I can not take the stress of re-feeling the fire and my past problems with the stress of school and the need to accomplish what I am set out to do right now. I also have been very good recently with sleeping and also with being scared of strange noises. I am more used to my apartment and can recognize sounds without having to open the door and check every five minutes.
Maybe I am giving up on some great revelation or maybe I am not. I think that I already know that which she is trying to get me to realize.
1) The fire was a traumatic experience and it is okay to feel a little weary of fire.
2) I live in a safe area from fire (I have sprinklers in my apartment) and I am very careful so I should not fear fire.
3) I have a cell phone now and should not have to jump out any more windows or scream at the top of my lungs so people realize that there are young children trapped in a fire.
4) I am no longer alone (even though married)
5) I have a wonderful boyfriend who � seems to be my first real relationship � is more than great to me.
6) I do not have to be a parent to my boyfriend, like I have had to be for past boyfriends and husbands.
7) I can allow my boyfriend to move the dresser or rearrange the closet without previously obtained written permission :-) This is Okay because he is an adult and had a right to move things. (unlike previous boyfriends and husbands)
8) I can let my boyfriend help me � without arguing or fighting him. He is allowed to love me and care for me and want to take care of me.
9) I know that I can not shelter my children from the world and try and control every little thing that happens to them � I will become my mother that way and I will then destroy my children and their love of life.
10) I can, however, make life as safe as possible without restricting them and allow them to find their own way.
11) I realize that my family and my mother have preprogrammed me to feel many things differently than normal average people and I need to think about things before I jump in with a �This is how it is supposed to me.�
12) I know that I can ask for help and it will be taken care of (99% of the time). All I have to do is ask.
There are my twelve steps. I hope you like them.