So day three of the �sick kid� patrol has begun. PJ woke up clean and dry but the bug is still stuck in Skeeter�s system. It was still a pretty messy war zone in there � I still have to clean the entire room from top to bottom when I get home. Oh Joy! Happy is my life I guess.
Well in other things there is good and bad news. First the good news�Dreamspeaker and Daygen have bought themselves a house. I am SO happy for them and truthfully a little tiny bit jealous too. I had been wishing for a while now that I was in a position to do such a thing but of course� I am not. I seem to have only achieved half of the big picture. I have two wonderful, though semi-sick, kids and I have a guy I am crazy about but the rest is missing, the beautiful wedding and the house. I guess time will tell on that one. But I am so happy for them. I am even looking fwd to helping them move! They are also looking to sublet out their old apartment from Jan. 15 � through July 31. (2 bedroom, 2 bath, AC, dishwasher, laundry, etc. so if any of my faithful readers know anyone wanting something like this � email me for more info!)
I am a little worried about something and I guess this is the bad news I mentioned above. This diary has been a forum for many things and I am a little wary to use it that way again due to the extensive reader cliental. But I have to go ahead no matter what because I need to talk about a few things and this is how I do it. So forgive me if you think that this is wrong of me.
TBND and I have been having a few little clashes lately and it really has me worried. I really want this to work about between us but I think that we need to take some time to talk things out and learn to understand each other. I know that I have not spent a lot of time in great relationships but I do know when it feels right to me. I want to be with him but I want him to be with me. I want him to like me for the person that I am and not try and change me so much.
I feel like I used to be okay for him. Like my tattoos and choice in clothes and hairstyles was acceptable and recently I feel as though this is no longer the case. I feel as though he wants to change me into someone else and I cannot do that. I am happy with who I am and it has taken me a long time to get here. I know that I do not fit the mold even with my friends but I like myself and I think others do too. I hate that nagging feeling that I no longer please him.
I know that I am not the �model� type of girl with perfect hair and makeup � who dresses like the advertisements and wears classy things. I just reject that� sorry. I do not have the time for it nor do I want to spend my time doing it. I admire those who can and those who do. I think that for some it works and for me it does not. I want to be myself. I want to feel comfy in my own skin. I want to be found attractive by the man that I love � when I am in my element and I am feeling sexy.
And now � the sex issue. Everyone loves the sex issue. This time it is not really the sex but the other areas of the sex issues. I know that I am pretty demanding � but heck, I think that I am making up for lost time. He should take A LOT of comfort in the fact that usually in my relationships, once we hit the two-month time frame the sex tends to stop. It has not stopped yet and we are going on 5 real months and 9 other months. TBND is really ahead of the game. I love him but I am starting to feel needy. I know that every couple slips into a routine and I know that it waxes and wanes some times but I am not even talking about the sex � I am talking about the physical contact. I miss it and I want more of it. I want more than the occasional back rub or the �cute kiss.� I want to feel like someone actually loves me. I know that I am not being really specific here but it is some thing that has started to make me feel a little unwanted.
With the actual sex issue there are some things I would like to try more of and try and spice things up so to speak and even that �flame� seems to have gone out. It is frustrating to see changes that feel as though they are my fault somehow.
Things have changed and change is not bad but when I read over the old emails he used to send me it is as if I am now seeing a different person. Yes, real life does happen but at the expense of what we had? I want him back the way he used to be when he has faith in me and told me that he like the fact I was �strong and independent�. Now it feels like I am a failure and he is disappointed in me. Now I feel as if I can no longer run my life since I keep getting corrected and chastised.
For me there is a big difference between letting him share my life and feeling as though he is trying to run my life and it is starting to cross that line. Since Friday I have felt hurt and almost alone in the relationship � as if he has placed himself above me the �chain of command� and I am suddenly lost. I am not comfortable with this. I am not looking for someone to solve my life � just someone to share it. Like we started out...
I know that life has been stressful and I think that TBND is feeling depressed lately. He seems to know it and does nothing about it, though he pushed me when he decided I was depressed, into getting help. Well? It seems to be lately that the reverse never is true. My suggestions about his sleeping issues and depression are not valid because of course, how would I know anything, right? I have been around this world too and I think that experience for experience � I have been around it a lot more and a lot faster. I DO know a few things and I feel that I am smart enough to understand a lot of crap. I do not like being written off especially by someone I love and admire.
And it is time to start fighting fair - time for everyone to start. No more threatening to leave when I don't have a straight answer or when I make you made. If you are here and in this relationship you have to stay and get it all out so that we can meet on common ground. I hate to think that I am so unimportant that you will not even fight with me... that you have to make me feel like a little kid that has just been caught doing something wrong and threaten to walk away or deny some privilage. Care enough to actually act as though I am your girlfriend and your equal... unless you don't think so.
I want this to work. I want to be with him. I want the whole �forever fairytale�. And as history will tell, my faithful friends, I am giving this more effort and energy than I have given to anything else in the past. I am working on it but I am also running into multiple brick walls. I need him to come half way to. I am not a child. I am not a silly girl who does not know better. Yes, I do things differently than a lot of people but even he knew that far in advance. I am not willing to lose myself to have him. But I will fight to not lose him � as I have been fighting for the last two years.
This is my rant and I hope I did not offend anyone but I am not going to apologize for my feeling. I know who I am. I know who I love and I know what I want. But I can only get so close to it and I need him to go the rest of the way to meet me in the middle. I know that I am not the only one who is wrong. I know that.