I broke down. I flipped his world around. But he was still there� loving me. He watched me cry and try to explain all the things I should have told him months ago. He comforted me and touched my face�telling me not to cry and not to worry because he was still there. He still wanted me. At first I told him I didn�t want to screw up again � then I realized that was the wrong statement. The right thing to say was that I wasn�t going to screw up again. He said, �It is just that simple, baby.� And he is right.
He told me that he never blamed me completely. I told him that I did. It was I who made the final move. When my marriage just needed a tune-up� I declared it a total loss. I forgot what I had vowed to him and it hurt my heart to realize what I did to him, the kids and myself. In a way, though, this separation was good for both of us. I realized the errors of my ways and he was able to fix what he saw wrong with himself. He became himself again� all the things I loved about him three years ago were back. His confidence. His arrogance. His personality. The man I referred to as Bear more than his actual name was back� and I really had missed him.
We spend five long nights together last week. Talking all night � even up to 8 hours straight with no sleep. It is amazing all that can be said when you just open up and let it all out. You can tell each other how you are scared. You can tell each other what you feel. You can apologize so strongly that it actually makes sense. I told him that I do want to be with him. I want to be with him and only him for the rest of my life.
I meant it when I married him almost three years ago� and I lost myself for a long time and I lost sight of him.
Our first two years were not fun. There was so much� car accident, our wedding, his mother�s sickness, my mother hospitalized, Skeeter�s birth, his mother dying, and then the fire. We both were struggling to cope and instead of coming together, we separated.
Now it is strange. He lives somewhere else and has reconstructed his life. The boys and I have our routine. We are just trying to meet in the middle for now. It took two nights of talking for him to realize that I wanted to be his wife still. He asked me over and over again if it was what I wanted. It is. It really is. So he told me to tear up the final divorce paperwork. It no longer exists�so in the eyes of the law, we are married still. Saturday morning I slipped my wedding band back on my left hand. It felt so familiar and comforting. I know that we are still rebuilding but it is a symbol of my commitment to him and to us. It is never coming off again.