I have a friend that journals on Live Journal (no, I am not going to link to her because I do not need her to get any feedback from my opinions). She is currently getting slammed for a post she made in regards to her decision to be �child-less.� She is not going to ever have kids, even if this mean having an abortion in case of a mistake. She presented her PERSONAL reasons for this along with her interpretations of the social and economic pressures that figured into her reasons. I was amazed and angered when I read the responses that degraded her and called her horrible things.
And now I want to talk.
As you all know, I have two small kids whom I love dearly. This is not to say that they do not drive me nuts, frustrate me, anger me or force me into rages that I have never experienced before their arrival. They also make me laugh, smile and enjoy life more than any other person ever has. Children are a completely dualistic entity.
PJ was not planned. I was only twenty years old and was not in a serious relationship. I had just dropped out of college and was just enjoying my freedom and my uncanny ability to live on almost no money. I was dating his father, Gaylan, at the time but it was more infatuation and friendship that anything else. I was not on birth control because Gaylan was sterile (according to the US Military � never trust them!!). A couple of months later, very unplanned, I discovered I was pregnant. My mind reeled. Things between Gaylan and I were already shifting from romantic to close friendship and I was not sure what to do. Abortion was, for about 2 months, an actual option to me but I could not solidify a decision in my head.
I was adopted at birth and have nothing against the system. But I knew that I would have a hard time dealing with the emotional aspect of giving a child up for adoption. How does one work so hard for nine months trying to make a healthy and beautiful baby and then just give it away? (Yes, I realize that you are �supposed� to be giving it a better home and a better life and that is how you deal with it � but I never though I could not provide a good home). Plus I have spent many years wondering about my own birth parents and many other issues that adopted kids go through such as �abandonment complex.� Did I want to pass that on to someone else?
It was my SCA dad that changed everything to me. I asked him what I should do, him also being a child of adoption, and he reminded me that he could not tell me what to do. He did pass on some advice to me that made me change my mind and decided to keep PJ. He said, �I have done a lot of bad things in my life. I have done a lot of good things in my life. The hardest thing I have ever done was raising my girls but it was also the best thing I have ever done.� I knew I was strong enough � or so I thought.
It was hard. I was essentially a single mom, making low wages, and having a hard time with daycare and many other things. Skeeter came along under completely different circumstances but I have spent the last 10 month (plus) as a single mom with him also. Two kids are hard to handle � I will not lie to you there. I miss being a young twenty-something that goes out and socializes. I missed a lot and sometimes I still feel left out. I can�t decide that I want a pint of ice cream at ten o�clock at night and just go to the store. I spend ungodly amounts of my income on their needs, wants, and desires. I have gotten so angry with them that I have had to leave the room and go smash things elsewhere. I have cried out of anger, depression, exhaustion and grief over my kids. Some days I still wonder if it is worth it all�. Really worth it all. But�.
I do not think that all people should have children.
This is somewhat based on economic reasons, sanity reason and issues of strength. I am not judging those whose lives are not like my own and saying, �No, you can�t have kids.� I am saying that I fully and honestly respect and even somewhat admire some one who decides not to have kids and sticks with it.
Could I have lived a fully satisfying life without every having kids? Yes.
Would I have missed out on something grand and wonderful? Maybe (my opinion is swayed now that I DO have kids)
Would I have less stress in my life? Maybe (see previous answer)
I never really gave a lot of time to thinking about children until I was pregnant but I never was one to say, �I can�t wait till I have kids.� I never babysat. I never had younger siblings or cousins (really �the only one younger than me is only 5 years behind). I had never really been around a baby (or anyone under 6 years old) until the nurse handed me PJ. Huh? What? He is mine, to do what with? I shocked my entire world when I discovered I was pregnant and damn near killed some of them when I declared I was keeping the baby.
Having children is another one of THOSE rights. No one gets to tell you that you have to. Or that you are a bad person not to. No one gets to say that you should not (provided you can actually provide the children with everything they need to be healthy and loved) have kids. Personal choice � end of story. A choice people get to make with his or her partner and/or on their own.
I spend the weekend with my niece (who is 15 years old) and her newborn child, Jordan. Jordan was not planned but Tori and her family decided to keep her and raise her. Everyone pitches in and they make it work. It is hard to watch Tori sometime because she is so torn. She is both fascinated with Jordan and in love with Jordan but she is also resentful and a little angry. I spend a lot of time talking to her because no matter when you decided to have kids � it is hard. It is draining and EVERY mother I have ever talked to has had the same feelings � nowadays there are even books about it. I am not talking about post-partum depression either. I am talking about the feeling associated with forfeiting a portion of your life and soul to a tiny being that is completely dependant on you and the realization that you will never get it back.
Worth it? Up to every person to decide on their own. For me? Yeah, it is � no matter how hard it is.