Rant first:
I know that I am now a different person and that I can not go back to the old me. I worry at a deeper level and I exist in a fluid space and time. J changed his wake up alarm sound on his cell phone without realizing it� the new sound was a screaming that resembled a fire alarm much more than I could ever imagine. It went off Monday AM and I slipped into panic. My brain took over and I could smell the smoke. I was yelling and frantically moving until he snapped me out of it � letting me know that I was safe and it was his phone.
I can tell Skeeter�s temperature by touching him and am only off by 0.5 degrees usually. I can tell the instant his medications hit him and when he has walked too much and his left leg begins to hurt. I hate going to sleep every night � an entire room away from him � because I can no longer see him to check for something happening. I am overprotective to the point of insanity.
My social skills have lessened so much that my best friends are noticing. There are more pauses in conversation; less jokes and laughter. I get weird around completely new people and I hate explaining my �situation� to new people (especially new TA�s and professors)
My finances are just destroyed. C still has not paid me last month�s child support and I have missed three days of work already this pay period by being in the hospital. Money doesn�t really arrive till fall (when I get my financial aid) but I am now scrambling for July rent ---- though I just barely managed to pay for June.
My art supplies sit untouched now for weeks. I have managed to get inspired by
Fix it later.
I want to have to energy (both physical and emotional) to run home to get stuff done. Tear apart the mess and the chaos and come up with a plan. I want to get all the little chores done and have time to do my schoolwork so that later on I can relax and watch a movie or the latest episode of Naruto that I downloaded.
Instead I know that I will pick up the kids and go home� with every little thing they are saying and doing just annoying me to a higher level than normal. I will lose my patience with the mess and with the kids and send them to bed early (but they will not be tired and will continue to make noise for hours.) I will be sulky and aggravated as I sit down to my schoolwork � completing only half of it before I declare that I am tired and go to bed. This is my new normal and well�.
I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I HATE IT.
I want my patience back. I want my compassion back. I want my energy back. I want myself back.