----- my responses are below ----
"How to know if you're prepared to have a child"
1) The Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls.Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
2) The Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.)Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream.(This could wake a child at night.)
3) The Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best)and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
4) The Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
5) The Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord.Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
6) The Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water.At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM.Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard.Make up about a dozen more and sing these until 4:00 A.M. Set alarm for 5:00 A.M. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
7) The Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
8) The Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store.Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
9) The Car Seat Test: Obtain three pit bulls, one cat, and one car seat. Place the pit bulls and car seat in the back seat of the car. Attempt to strap the cat in the car seat using one hand.
--- My VOICE! -----
"How to ACTUALLY be a Parent"
1) The Mess Test: Excuse me?! People let their children do this. Last night Skeeter spilled his cereal and he had to crawl around and pick up every piece before he could play. Come on people... PARENTING is about PARENTING.
2) The Toy Test: Teach them to clean up toys every night before bed. Punish if not done. Do NOT let them take out more than 5 toys at a time. Grrrr.
3) The Grocery Store Test: Keep the kids in the cart. Teach them to not touch things or to eat in the store. Never buy them candy in the check out lane ... therefore no problems later in life. Never had any problems shopping.
4) The Dressing Test: stupid.
5) The Feeding Test: Only feed infant/young toddler when the child is hungry and therefore will give you its full attention. Teach kids to feed themselves by age 20 months.
6) The Night Test: Babies get rocked - start on solid food at 4 months and use formula to keep belly full longer. Older than 1 year... must learn to fall asleep on own. Older than 1.5 years... no rocking unless sick. Expected to sleep though the night unless sick. My boys were long night sleepers at 9 months. No 5 year old should be up all night...grrr.
7) The Physical Test (Women): Gained 30 lbs with Skeeter. He was ten pounds of it - water was over 10lbs of it too. After he was born, I walked out the hospital in the pants I wore pre-pregnancy. The only weight I have gained was since he became a toddler and I became lazy.
8) The Physical Test (Men): stupid.
9) The Car Seat Test: grr... they can put themselves in the seat by three years of age.