A kiss goodbye
2002-12-16 - 8:17 p.m.
In love, why does spreading ones legs
always
mean opening ones heart.
I try to stop the vision as I squeese my eyes
shut stoping the tears that roll freely
down my cheek.
I am falling back on a promise.. an understanding
I am letting myself feel.
Though I had figured it was temporary
I had secretly hoped he would stay mine forever.
Flashs of memory stab my heart.
The look in his eyes as he leaned in to kiss me
The power of his kiss - that slowly had become more yielding / tender
The way he would tuck his arms under my legs as we fucked...
The view of him like that was always stunning and made me wet.
The closeness he inspired in me - something new to my body
His arms around my shoulders, his breath on my neck ....
faster and faster they spin.
Bear it right - it is now I who have betrayed him.
He was never mine to possess.
He will never care for me as I do him
He has always been free and so I must harbor no anger
for it was my choice to ride the wild.
There were no bindings of him to me and so
I can not complain that he has broken any rite.
Friend to lover and then lover to friend
As I have no power over the stars that come at night
Once again I am powerless over this change.
If he had been mine and either spoken or unspoken vows
exchanged - I could fight.
I could fight, I could protest, I could call him back to me
saying 'let's take the next step. let's make it forever.'
But my choices had already been made....
I had not nor was given any POWER in this except to accept love.
He wants forever .. someone to call his own
that would not be me.... how innocent I had been
I was not suitable, for his bindings of
brotherhood shall dictate his life
and mine.
I wish he had expressed things before I was bound .. but no.
Fair it well ... all this is assumption
that with the situation permitting
he would have wanted me.
Probably not.
I was never suitable
I was never potential for him
I was just the girl he got to fuck.
... not the kind to marry.
Anger is mine this time and yes, it is unjustified
But I revel in my emotions ... I always have.
For scars that deepen in my soul shall be mimicked in others.
As he has said to me:
'An animal licks its own wounds before remembering
that others may have them too"
Yes ... and mine are deep.
You asked me not to be jealous - I am not...
I am bitter and hurt not for this instance
but for timing that I am was unprepared.... to cut my heartstrings
when but a few weeks ago we talked openly about our sex and our feelings.
I have shared with him things never told before ... to mean nothing now to him.
This will lead - I am sure to unanswered letters, to uncomfortable
meetings and estranged silences - my actions, not his, will be at fault.
I am sorry.
I am sorry.
I am sorry.
Please let me cry my tears and forsake my promises.
I will stay your friend for my anger has subsided but
Please let me cry for now I have lost something that
I just accepted my grasp on . ... I had just claimed as mine.
Please forgive my anger, Chris.
Please Please Please.....
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then || now
