I think that I made a fool of myself - though he will deny it. I knew since saturday that I would go to see him on Sunday and that I wanted to be with him in any way that I could. It is an addiction really. I didn't mean to say all that stuff though - I have kept it inside for a long time. I had never planned on sharing it and now - after the fact I truely felt like an ass.I have no right letting him know these thoughts and feelings to the level that I have them... I would not wish to change his thoughts of me. And i know that I should not feel this strongly or have the regrets that I do. But I can't help it - he alone makes me feel complete and I know that I will not resist the ability to feel that way and feel that good. I can't help it - I love him and I need him.
Sometimes I hate being human - and especially a female human.
I want to thank him. I know that sounds really naive but I want to. I was truely expecting us to just hang out and for it to be that way for good.... (yes, I know that even with this change and all the things that he said to me - it doesn't mean that it will stay this way.... he may still be lost to me some day) I know that there is something that he is looking for that I have lost the ability to give to him - though I hope he find comfort in the fact that I will come as close to that desire as possible.
In other culture, ancient and modern, a woman could choose to be married in both body and spirit to two people. It was considered a blessing and a solidifaction of a woman as a whole spirit. They discovered that due to a womans duelistic nature - two men were always better at making her happy. I would love to be in that society (though I sure would miss running water) How fantastical.... and how selfish. The ability to love the both... and have them both, in a commited and secure relationship where everyone gets along... love at its strongest.
My friend Brie has two husbands. Strange but true.
Gosh, I am such a selfish person. To be so wanting and willing to disregard his feelings and his desire to have someone of his own for my own satisfaction. I am so evil... but I can't help the feelings of my heart either.
I wish that I could be the one for him... that everyday would be like it is when we are together for short time. I have regrets and I am sorry that I do. I am sorry that I have made this hard for him. I am sorry that I did not think before spilling my heart and making him feel bad. I am sorry that I hurt him and I get angry with him and our situation. I am sorry that somedays I want nothing more that to be with him and make him happy. I am sorry that ... nevermind.
I am sure he will read this and say, "stop - gone to far, have to pull back - sorry, its over again." I think that I already scare him with my feelings and my emotional talking. I should scare him... maybe then he can choose to hate me and I can choose to hate me too for my selfishness.
What am I thinking... can I truely believe that I can have this - again, even for a short while? I want to believe because the feeling of him is so damn good... especially when he just wraps his arms around me and holds me.... I want that again for no matter how long. I will do anything.
I am sorry, Chris... It seems as though my emotions win. I love you.