I am trying hard to repair that which I have broken .. I need to get this all off my chest now and who ever reads this please take it as my thoughts and feelings - slightly scattered and scared. But now I hope and pray that those who read this and are mentioned within ... hold this not against me. It is my right to have emotions and passions and it is not acceptable for others to make me feel guilty for having them. If you are not capabile of being in my life - in any capasity - knowing this information then ... I don't need you.
I have been torn up inside lately because I have fallen in love while being in love with my husband. On top of that I have been involved with said second person and though I do not feel guilty about my actions, I am frustrated with my situation. This was something I had not planned on and yet, it happened to me... though knowing my history, most of my close friends probaby expected it.
I was once a mistress to a married man. His wife was a terrible bitch but I pretended to be her friend because I liked her husband. She even invited me to live with them when I left school. I did and she had no idea what was going on. I didn't feel bad about my betrayal because she was horrible to him and I loved him. He was passionate about me... he wanted to change things and be with me... He was a man who did tell me how he truely felt. I was never blind to his emotions. He even left her, staying with me for two weeks... but then the divorce took him back to her and I lost touch with him. I do not regret this relationship and I still miss his passion for me and his openness to talk.
These men now that I am stuck between have no passion and no want for possession. My husband loves me - he tells me so much - yet, I am not his partner in life. I am his housewife and though I hear that I am loved - I don't feel loved. The other loves me - I think, though half the time I am sure that he is just messing with my head. How can one love someone that strong and not want to be with them. Is it s guy thing ... or am I wrong to demand a true feeling. Some emotion? Anger? hurt? desire? anything??
But why put forth the effort to be with me when the sex and affection and friendship is free. Oh and then there is all the emotional and kid bagage that I carry around - who would really desire that? Maybe 5 years from now when my kids are more independant .. will I become a better catch? Is it me? Or does he really mean it when he says - he doesn't want to ruin our friendship and the friendship he has with my husband. I have known people to give up their entire family and friends to be with someone they were in love with... is that worth it?
I hold guilt from the past very close... When I met my husband I was 'married' to a women I had loved since middle school. She was my prom date even. We were raising my son together and were happy. I met him and I just wanted to be with him... it took months and finally I did see him outside of work. It meant constant fighting with her - including some physical interaction - and a terrible heartache for both of us. This emotional void is what I think caused me to jump in too fast with him and sink so far. I wanted it to be ' RIGHT ' but that is where I failed.
I have not yet changed my last name legally - we have been married for almsot 2 years.
I have cheated my husband of a good marriage due to a bad start and a horrible follow through. I told him this last weekend - I told him, during our usual angery fighting, that I am stuck in a place that makes me realize that we should have waited to get married and should have gotten to know each other better first. He broke down crying ... saying ... "Are you going to leave me? You don't want me anymore?" I was struck ... what have I done. Part of me has always thought that our push to get married was due to him mom's situation and not our own feelings. I have been dishonest... I am not sure I love him as much as he loves me.
And to stop you now ... No, these feelings are not related to the feelings that I have for the other man. Those are seperate and due to the time and closenss of our friendship - they have grown. It was unavoidable though unplanned. But understandibly - who wants a girl with baggage and kids when one can have one without all that. And truely I am sure, he does not share my feelings and is only humoring me in thinking that more than friendship is possible. So it stays there - friendship.
I know this missive will make the other pull away - saying I have done and said too much, that loyality bind him and that we can not be together anymore. Or worse.. he will be concerned about me but never reveal his emotions. True - I do not want to stop seeing him in this manner but right now I would rather he be angry at our situation then be condensending about my feelings. No my feeling are justified. No, nothing he is willing to do makes it better....if he goes, it hurts and if he stays my friend and only my friend, it hurt too. As a lover - I am charmed with him but though I want more, I have been too selfish too many times in the past to deserve what I desire.
Maybe I will lose them both.. and truely, maybe I will juat live with a constant broken heart. I deserve to be alone for this crime of mine. I have betrayed them both. I have betrayed my husband by not revealing my true feeling on him and my other and by being so consumed with the fact that he still wants me after all that has come between us. I have betrayed my other with feeling to strong for our destined relationship. I have failed in not falling in love and even more so, I have failed for believing that he would want me.
it is like that scene from Friends when ross realizes that Rachel was in love with him and is now over him .."Over me? when where you under me?" Maybe I give up now... completely and just let the cards fall where they may.
I have destroyed more good relationships in my life then other even get to have.
Here is my soul and everything that has been rattling around in it. Take is as you will but do not damn me for my emotions ... I am this.