I woke up really early this morning and just laid in bed thinking. I have a feeling that this was a bad idea for me. I should never be allowed to think while unattended and alone. I am worried about my future in a couple of different areas and I think that my little 'self talking session' may not have been that productive. Lets try this list form.
1) I have a HUGE calligraphy and illumination project due May 3rd.
2) I have not started on said project because I am not motivated
3) I am losing some interest in the SCA - I no longer want to play every weekend.
4) SCA is a hobby that goes in phases for me - unfortunately J has attached himself to it with a death grip though refuses to go to events alone.
5) Money is depressing right now. We need more somehow. Maybe I should rethink that hooker idea :-(
6) J is not going to stay home with the kids full time - just keep them home 2 days a week and work 30 hrs around that (in theory)
7) My child support has stopped coming in (again)
8) I hate sleeping alone every night but I am not sure that I really want J to be there with me. There is something different now between us
9) I had a bad news doctor appointment yesterday and J did not care.
10) Maybe it is his way of coping but I think that ignoring the news I found out by talking about his work problems is quite rude.
11) I am sick of being his mother and having to carry him along every journey of life - sometime I need someone to take care of me too.
12) I think that he and I have to have THE talk about how things are going.
13) Maybe it is fixable.
14) Maybe not - time will tell.
15) I think that my kids are each reaching their on personal 'difficult phase' at the same time.
16) It is aggrevating but I can handle it.
17) I can handle anything.
18) I wish I could be a better mom to them. I feel as though I have failed them somehow.
19) I don't think that I have made for them a great home. Maybe this indifference I have towards J is going to scar them.
20) Maybe I am better off alone ... just raising my boys
21) But I do not know how to afford that life... I am not sure it is possible.
22) Maybe my mother is right and my kids would have been better off with another person as their mom.
23) It is hard to be mom and also be myself.
24) I someday wonder where I would be right now if I did not have my kids yet. I don't regret having them - I just wonder.
25) I always wonder too much about if I am doing the "right thing"
26) I am not even sure what the "right thing" is - but all of this doesn't feel right anymore.
27) I do not think that I feel the same about J as I did two years ago.
28) I feel that I am not completely honest with him
29) I can not decide if it is worse to not be honest and just keep living this life as is or to be honest and suddenly change things for the worse.
30) it scares me that my feelings have changed but people think and say that we moved to fast - due to linda- and if we hadn't; we probably would have never married.
31) this will crush him if he know that my feeling have changed.
32) it also scares me because maybe this is telling me that I can not ever have love in my life... maybe I am destined to just live alone on my own.
33) This is really tearing me up inside because I don't know if I can handle telling him anything like this. maybe I should just live this life and never let him know.
34) I could do that - it would make no difference to him.
35) I don't want everyone to think that I only rant about J's bad points... I do care so much about him... it is just so hard to have to take care OF him and be his mother and handle it all.
36) I just don't find this working out but I know that he does not see it and I don't want to crush him. But i don't want to crush myself either.
37) Maybe we talk - and maybe I have .... to do I don't know what.
38) Maybe I am just some silly girl who can't handle anything.
39) These thoughts make me crazy.
40) I am worried about my health - being adopted I have no family medical history.
41) God I wish I knew more about that.
42) I feel like this list could go on forever.
43) I am such a loser.
Ever noticed how my entries seem to always have the same focus. Maybe I should just stop writing. Else I may have to do somethng to change my life. I hate hurting people even more than I hate being hurt.