I keep having these overpowering sundays that leave me a little lacking on monday morning. I am not complaining but it is getting a little habitual. :-) I love the fact that they are happening though for I find myself - at the end - in a better place and a better state of mind. Hard part is that I have a terrible short term memory and I am trying so hard to not forget things that were said.
I am not good at being brutally honest - and I hope it was well received for I have opened up now to one person like no other person ever in my life. He is the first to have my complete trust, my faith and my love. There is nothing that I want more than what I have with him. Though I am never again jumping in to fast or too deep - nor do I want to pull someone to fast into anything dangerous. I want to build something lasting - and though it way exist in a shaky world - the groundwork that I think has been achieved is more solid than anything in my life ... so it matters not what is built either just friendship or something more wonderful.
Do not feel that I am giving up on other parts of my life - I am doing what I can to fix that which is broken. But in the end, sometimes there is not a fix and life must move on. I am not resolved to that yet - for some reason I am able to separate some things out in my head and exist with in them both. But that is not what I want to talk about today.
My situation now is a little different. I have learned that I am not willing to give up on anything no matter how long I have to wait - and even if there is no promise of a happy ending (or even a happy possibility) I have come to that point in my life that I know what I want (in every aspect) and I will strive to get it. I will endure the heartbreak at the ending if it come. But deep in my heart - I hope that I am not wrong, that I will not lose, and that though there are no promises spoken - that it will all work out in the end to be a happy ending. I know that there is no guarantee but I will joyfully take the risk for that which I love.
This may seem upsetting to some. Why work so hard and wait so long for something that may never happen? I have to think that it is faith. Some thing that I have never had alot of in my life. I decided a couple of months ago to install my faith in something and someone - though I have not asked for anything in return from them. I am going on my own hopefulness of determining an ending. Maybe it is a fantasy but I want it so badly that I will not give up - even if it never happens and I end up with a different ending.
Until last night - I do not think I was understood when I said I would wait... I think that now I am.
Time is no longer that which it was. I remember as a child that a day was forever and I could never wait when I know that there was something coming up. Even in high school years - the thought of waiting for one's boy/girlfriend to graduate or come home for college to see them again was almost more difficult than imaginable. Now to me - time is so relative... it passes quickly and before my eyes I want my kids turn into adults. I can wait now for as long as necessary.
I hope that I am not seen as crazy or fanatical. When I do make up my mind, which happens rarely, I do stick to it. Please do not condemn me for this.
I feel relieved today - as though stress and worry has left me. There are no more deadlines or dates to remember in my head and plan around. I feel free and safe and secure where I am. It give me a sense of belonging and power that I have not had before in my life. I find it intoxicating for I am a bit dizzy with emotion. These last few weeks for me have been a long time coming and now, I am no longer second guessing my desires. I am comforted in the knowledge I now have and I am ready to have fun with in the boundries and rules that have been established.
I feel free and happy today.
so please do not condemn me.