I wish I could let things just play out - doing my part to make myself and my kids happy. I would like others to take care of themselves, though still existing in my circle.
I liked this quote from maiarayne
I don't want people to automatically assume that because I'm married that I'm not lonely. I don't want people to assume that because I have a child that I'm fulfilled emotionally and spiritually and that I don't need any other source of validation.
I don't know. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I don't know who I am. I'm pretty much wrapping my identity around my son and my husband. I mean I went from being Jennah to being "Hunk's Wife" now I'm either "Hunk's wife" or "Kidlet's mom". No really, I'm even introduced this way by people. "Oh you know Hunk's wife, Jennah don't you?" "Oh this is Dimple's mom, have you met Jennah before?"
I'm a non-person without my family. At least it can feel that way.
Don't get me wrong. I love the hunk and my little noodle but I wish I knew who I was. I wish that people didn't look at me like I should be so pleased with the kidlet's accomplishments like they are my doing. Partly they are but they really are his, you know? I can teach him right from wrong but his maturity and his strides that he makes are his achievements. Not mine. I can't base my worth as a mother on things he does. When I get into the mind set of, "Well I guess I'm a good mom because he was potty trained at X age" or "I'm a good mom because my kid started teething, or walking, or talking before experts say they usually would" I loose a piece of who I am.
I am not sure if this is one of the resounding negative things that seem to populate my diary (or at least that is what The Boy Next Door thinks :-) ) I thought her words really stuck a chord with me - THAT is how I feel. THAT is a resounding yes. It is the part I don't get.
Dreamspeaker and Stryck have a theory - so kindly referred to the "Marble Theory". It is about a limited amount of resources and a lot of options. It was a therapy tool to help Stryck stop being insane. They will correct me if I am wrong... It has been a while since the Theory has been actively talked about.
Picture this.... a series of glass jars each labeled sitting on a table. You have in front of you a personalized Jar with colored marbles. The other jars are labeled thing such as "relationship with BoB", "job", "relationship with Sissy," You are smart - you get the idea. The relationship jars might have other marbles... it is good if they do because that means that the other half of that relationship (this is ANY - friend or lover or whatever - relationship with another person) is also putting stuff in.
The key is balance.
1) There is only so much of you to spread around.
2) There is an infinite number of other jars
3) In relationship jars - they have to be balance internally. One side can not dominate the jar
4) You always want to keep some marbles at home base
See - how hard can that be?
No wonder I thrive on problem to problem living. I must be having a marble problem... no "losing my marbles jokes" please. I also think that some of my relationship jars are completely unbalanced - some at my own fault and some at the fault of others. I am in no need of some fast judgmental answers but I think that over a slower process - these things should be straightened out. Balanced.
There are no real problems or dilemma in my life right now - makes me feel a little lost to be in this worry free zone - I am out of my element here. Though I think that I am learning to enjoy it. I like this. I can handle this.
Relax
think
breathe
I get it ... just relax and live. just do what makes you happy. just love the way you want to.