I cried on Friday night � three separate times. I cried when I got home from work and faced a house that was so covered in crap that it was intimadating to think of trying to clean. It was horrible and the reason I cried is that I was alone again in fixing it. J was home for the three days straight previous to this and also did not work on Friday until noon. There was nothing done in three days and a half days. Nothing and there I was at 7 pm on a Friday night washing counter tops, getting the trashed picked up and cleaning up dirty diapers that had left a rank smell of piss on the kids carpet that never seems to fade. I had company coming over that night � and family even. I cried as I cleaned out of both anger and sadness.
The second time was a little later. A group of people had come over to see Stryck and The Dutchman who had just driven up from Chicago for the night. There were snacks and drinks provided by the horde of people with the plans of a night of games and hanging out. J, who has always claimed that he felt like an outsider, decided once again to not hang out with the crowd that night and instead go drinking with work buddies (of which he has not done in the last two years at all). I was so upset. Here was Stryck and her hubby, the Dutchman, and Dreamspeaker and her fianc� and I was alone. No one there to be with me as we all chatted and shared private jokes and memories. Once again � I hang out with my friends and their significant others � and mine does not attend. I cried again � alone in the bathroom so that they would not hear me.
And for the third time on Friday �at three am when J came home drunk still from his night out. I was sleeping on the couch because I gave Stryck and Dutchman my room and bed for the night to save her sore back from the aches of a couch or airbed. Drunk on free drinks from co-workers. Whatever.
Saturday I worked in the am from 9:30-noon. He was still drunk when I woke him up to tell him that the kids were still asleep and I was leaving for work and getting a ride from Stryck. On the couch I know that he fell back asleep with the kids in their room � they must have woke up before him and rudely screamed him awake. Still drunk. He had to pick me up from work at noon. We were going to go to an SCA event for the day and so our babysitter showed up at 11 am� giving him plenty of kid free time to shower, get dressed and come and get me. He was late� 20 minutes late. I stood outside in the cold at the clinic in my garb waiting. J was hung over and cranky. Guess what kind of great day I had.
I cleaned that night in prep for Easter Sunday and my parents coming down. It wasn�t that bad � just lonely.
I am angry at J for not recognizing that I need more from him than just ignorance and some light weight emotion. I am pissed that he has not common sense in any matter regarding the house and its upkeep. I am angry that I cried three time on Friday for reasons that should not even exist. I am angry that I feel this way.
I was disappointed that TBND did not show up to Easter though I understand that he was sick. It feels as though sometimes that he is avoiding me in any other social situation than us alone over at his place. It makes me feel as though maybe he is not happy with me for some reason. He just never really seems to come over here when people are hanging out. Maybe he is embarrassed to come over � because my girlfriends know so much. Maybe other feeling are making him feel sick and the nervousness is getting to him. Maybe I have created this situation for him � through my own selfish feelings towards him. I wished that he had come today to cheer me up and make me laugh.
Though I hope that my wishing this does not offend him.
I feel guilty that I am angry at J. I feel ashamed that I cried over his actions. He has no idea how to function on the level that I expect from him and maybe I just expect too much from him and therefore I have to lower my expectations. I just don�t want to come to the point of chore list and tracking household cleanups. It gives me a bad taste in my mouth as it is so much like the situation of Jer and Michele. She demanded so much of him and eventually reduced him to the stage of a puppy dog. I do not want to be responsible for that happening to a person and oddly enough I can see that happening to J. I thinking that I have accomplished all that I can with him in these matters without becoming a total bitch in his eyes. I do not want to be this.
Maybe this will not happen � but the possibility scares me.
I feel emotionally beat right now. Totally defeated and I hate it. Maybe it is that I am foolish and should hide the emotions that are rising inside me. I want to be angry� I am sick and tired of our polite talks about nothingness and daily crap. I know and I have also been advised that maybe this would not be a smart thing to do. Maybe we have to become comfortable with each other again before the discussion happen. But isn�t that like a yo-yo gone bad. Waiting for things to become better in order to bring out the bad again.
I am not sure if the comfortableness will come back and I am not sure how I feel about that. There is part of me that fears a repeating pattern if we are able to claim �us� again � and I will not allow myself to be trapped in the cycle again. I can�t even comprehend the ability to be �in� with J again. It has been so long. I am not sure that things were ever truly right to begin with. I know that I hid feeling and emotions from him early on and though I am not sure that he did the same I am sure that he must feel some what similar right now. What would it be like to be close like that again? To sleep in the same bed?
I am so tired right now that my eyes hurt and my wrist is smarting something fierce. It is bruised on the outside from the pressure that comes with me using it. My stomach issues have been bad lately but I am not eating very much right now. I have a feeling that the emotional buildup is not helping me either. I have my appointment with the UW tomorrow AM and should be presentable� and bags under my eyes and yawning is not very presentable, me thinks. I have had a long day of hosting a big Easter party for all my friends who could make it. And maybe now I have shared to much on this diary.
Someday I am afraid of what I want to write. I fear pushing people away or scaring them � I do not want them to think that I am some sort of a basket-case. This is an outlet for me and like therapy � my need for it waxes and wanes depending on life. The more I share with people either in person or on the phone � the less I feel I need to write. Right now I have no one to talk to.
Dreamspeaker is fast asleep spooning with her fianc�. Stryck and the Dutchman are home after a 5 hour drive today � sleeping together in their new apartment. Who would I call? I wish that I could call and talk to TBND but I am not sure how acceptable that is to him. I have not ever bridged that with him. I would not want to impose on him.
So goodnight � fleeting readers� I must go to bed and sleep this day away.
Alone again.