[wake me up] Wake me up inside [I cant wake up] Wake me up inside [Save me] Call my name and save me from the dark [Wake me up] Bid my blood to run [I cant wake up] Before I come undone [Save me] Save me from the nothing Ive become - Bring Me To Life: Evanescence
God, I am tired. J has taken to watching horror movies again at night while I am trying to work on my SCA project in the same room. I wear head phones and listen to my music but it does not block out everything nor is it easy to ignore the images as they flash on the T.V. So due to �Thirteen Ghosts� last night� I did not sleep and was late to work.
J is also hanging out with an old friend again� let�s call her Sue. I don�t like her. I have never liked her. He has had her over two days this week to watch movies and is going out drinking with her Saturday night and then back to her place for another movies session. They watch horror flicks together. Yippeee.
He is acting funny too lately. Over affectionate and clingy. It is almost kinda creepy feeling. I can not just turn everything back on like a light switch and I think that mystifies him somewhat. There are things wrong with us right now and I am trying to just get comfortable again before bringing them all up. I do not want rock the boat right now.
I have to admit that he is getting better about helping around the house but that is not all that is wrong right now. I just don�t feel the same as I did two years ago and I don�t know what to do about it with him.
I am scared about my surgery coming up and I want him to act as though he cares. Is that too much to ask? I told him I had to have it and what it was. He said, �Can we get a sitter for the kids?� I answered. �Yes, Dawn will do it�. He said, �Okay� and that was it. That is all that there has been.
I am not saying that I can not handle silence� I can. I understand when there is nothing more to say on a subject or one has nothing pressing to talk about. I just thought there would be more than this. I am scared to have a bone graft done; scared to be �put under� � this will only be the second time in my life that I have been completely under and the first time was such an emergency that I did not even think about it. I am scared that they will never be able to fix it right. I am not looking fwd to having my wrist in a cast again as my constant reminder of the fire. It really sucks.
I came home on Monday all excited that I was most likely going to get back into the UW for full time studies. He was not thrilled. I told him that if I got enough financial aid I was thinking of not working at all� he was more than not thrilled saying that since I had the better work benefits that I had better keep them and I should have to work to contribute to the house money. I totally realize this (especially the benefits) but I do want to have enough time for school to be a success. I want this time to work out. I have a path to follow and a goal to achieve.
I don�t want to play more in the SCA � really I am on a down trend right now. I will go to WW this summer for the camping but I am not thrilled to go to a ton of events from now to then. It will take a lot of work and money to be ready for WW and I am not looking fwd to it right now. Maybe I will think differently in a month.
I guess this is all� I am running out of thoughts in my mind right now. I guess I am still feeling a little defeated and I am not sure how to cure it. Why can�t I fix what is wrong? Is it better to sustain this and theses feelings or to drag them out and run then through?
What will happen if I tell J that I am not happy right now?
Where will I be then??
Am I just being all wrong in this whole thing? Maybe I have some sort of crazy misconception about marriage and being with someone. First of all I do not think that marriage in necessary in order to fufill a relationship. I want a marriage that feels like a partnership all of the time. I want someone I can just hang out with and that I feel comfortable just being with in silence. I want someone that is both their own person and my person. I want them to have some feelings of independance and some feelings of clingy togetherness. I guess i am looking for balance. I want sex to come naturally and not be a planned or required thing. I want it to feel like love. Like the whole "happily ever after" love thing both strong and tender.
Is this just sentimental crap or what?
Does this exist for me? I don't really know. I think that I can achieve this with someone - but I do not know the future.
I can never be sure, and that I know, but I do not see this with J. Maybe there is something wrong with me and I have unreachable expectations.
I watch my newly married cousin and my newly engaged friends - mine was never as sweet as that. And I know that I am probably idolizing them somewhat but isn't there something more... something that I can want that is more tha what I have or what I think is possible with J.
Am I just not seeing it or am I right?
This is longer than I expected but the thought just kick started again in my head. I tend to block these emotions and feeling but once I start to write I can not contain them all.
I am scared to tell him that I am not happy.... really scared.