I know that I have been poor about unkeeping lately but this whole broken arm thing is getting in my way some when it comes to typing. I have a shorter cast now and can move my hard a lot better though I fear straining it. I just want to be done with all this so life can go on.
I am in the middle of taking a huge step for me right now and it is a bit overwhelming. I have though more about this decision than any other in my life and I think, because of that, I am actually ready and prepared. At least of the factual stuff - the emotional stuff is harder to judge. I think that I am sure of my own emotional issues - it is his that are unpredictable.
My first tendancy is to be melodramatic - but I don't feel that way... so here is the scoop.
It is over between James and I.
I know that it has been for a while but I just never said anything or reacted at all. How terrible of me huh? It all came to light as a converstion that he started last monday night. I was very unresponsive - always answering, "I don't know" to his many questions. Though I did get into the problems that I have been having with him... things that had never crossed his mind before I think. Over the last few months I have come to the conclusion that our major problem is that though we can exist together - I do not consider him my friend or my companion. I feel an obligation towards him in certain aspects but no true feelings. I like him mostly as a person... but I am not in love with him. I have no desire to share things with him, or be intimate with him or even to go out of my way to please him.
We had this huge conversation - things got revealed.. nothing was finalized. yet, now... it is as though nothing happened. He says the same things as before and I am quieter but have not yet decided to bring up the finaly of the discussion. The part where I honestly tell him..... I think that we can be friends but nothing more. I want to separate and divorce.
How horrible. This is not where i planned to be in my love life right now - though in truth I never planned to be married yet. But what? Divorced before I am 25... actually possible.
I feel bad that I have taken him along in all of this. I feel bad that he loves me more than I love him and try as I did - I can not love him like that. I wonder what will happen now between us... with the kids and everything. i wonder about his family and mine. I worry about him some for I do not think that he has friends or people who care about him - at least not to the extent that I do. I feel that I am cared for and I worry that he is not.
I don't love james... I just don't think it was working. I don't think I can work. There is not enough there. I care for him a lot - though untill the last 6 months I never realized the true difference in loving someone and only caring for someone. i thought that they were somewhat interchangeable... but I know now that they are not.
I promise to keep you updated but this typing is really hard right now.... I am okay though. Really - I am.
I have been rereading my journal lately and have realized the path that I have followed in the last year. The path was leading me here - all fears aside. I am on the right path no matter the outcome. I fear being lonely. I fear being home alone in case of disaster. I fear never finding the right love I am looking for and having rejected someone with constant devotion. I fear moving too fast in a new relationship. I fear having to ask someone to accept my two kids and the fact I have an ex-husband.
I know that some of you are asking about TBND. That is another situation non-dependant on this one. He is not why we are splitting up - he is not even a tiny factor. I do love him and I am in love with him - though there has always been a part of me that thought any relatioship between us was doomed due to me being married. I want to see him more but there is no rush in us. I refuse to rush things anymore. He understands me and how I feel.
that's all for now.. I could talk forever though......