Be Myself

Hi all. I am sitting at work eating candy and drinking chocolate milk. I have reverted to childhood completely. I have a weird candy fetish (no not THAT weird � get that thought out of your mind). I like to mix candy � I pick one gummy thing (right now it is gummy raspberries) and one gummy sour (right now it is cherries) � throw them in a bag together, shake and eat! Not sure if this is gummy abuse � it may be though.

I am tired and angry (geez � you thought all this anger would subside on the decision to let out my feelings with James). You were wrong. Last night he was supposed to be home at 8:30 and was not home till after midnight� without a call. I just think it is common curtosy to communicate with people. I mean, after two years you would think that it would cross his mind that I do care and worry a lot about people. This is one of the reasons that staying living together may be hard. I can�t help that I care � I could try and stop but I think that would have a total negative response in me.

I was tired last night at 10:30 and I should have gone to bed then and there but I was scared. Welcome to my deep dark secret. I am afraid of being home alone. Yes, my kids were there but what protection are they? I have lived alone before and I was able to just suck it up and sleep (most of the time) � I also spend a lot of time crashing with my friends to avoid being alone. Now, I am alone with two young kids. How would I protect them or save them if there was a disaster? I live in a pretty safe place so I know that I should not worry this much.

Instead I was up late� especially since I had to make a worried phone call to TBND because I was concerned about James. Damn me on that one. My alarm did not go off and nor did my back-up due to James. See my kids usually wake up between 6:30-7:00 and they are loud. This immediately wakes me up. But since he has had them home for the past few days, their sleeping schedule is way off and they were still asleep at 8 am when I managed to just barely wake up. This was bad since I was supposed to have my car to the shop at 8am (after having dropped my kids off at the other side of town). Now none of this was done. I rushed and got them ready � barely managing to dress myself and skipping the whole shower part�. And rushed to the car. I realized once in the car that the �check engine� light was no longer on.

I dropped them at daycare and skipped taking my car in � heck, if the light is off when you take it in they can never find anything wrong. Damn computerized cars. So I just got an oil change done that the car was way overdue for and called it a day. I am still tired.

With all the separation stuff going on I am a bit hazy. I am waiting for him to decide whether to stay or go and give us each some time to get things in order. I am not what he is going to decide but I think if it was my choice I would prefer him to stay for a couple of week (so we can separate things) and then move out. I think this is what I need ot get my life in order but I do not want to be rude to him. There goes that Damn caring things again.

Plus � this is not just breaking up� this will be divorce. Meaning paperwork and legal things and kid stuff. I just hate it. It is going to cost money and take time. Now, I understand why people will stay in not-so-hot marriages � it is because of the work it takes to get out of them. It�s sad, really. I think most of our stuff will be easy to separate and I am not after anything outrageous. I don�t think this will be real trouble � just really inconvenient to us both. I figure I will end up doing most of the work. Why should that change now?

I feel so alone right now. More than ever before in my life. Yes, I have lived with people that I have broken up with but I was more assertive about it and sure of myself. In most of those situations (save one) I was so sick of the other by this point that I was strong. Sometimes I feel as though I failed James. Maybe I did. Maybe I am one of those people who can not love in a long term situation � maybe I just got bored or expected too much. Maybe it is I who has failed. I would think that after two years one would know their feelings � and trust me, I know mine. I am sorry that I am not attracted to him. I have disappointed him.

I have started to really rely on TBND for things and support. This is at a level a little higher than friend. I guess there is part of me that would like to him as something; a boyfriend, a lover or even a �mate. But to me, a lot of that sounds cheesy and a bit strange. So I think that I will resort to an old name I used to use on a few people I dated� I think I am at a point that I can call him my boy. I mean, this is not a degrading saying � it is one that harbors a lot of love and affection (at least in my world). It is a term that my friends and I have shared for the men in our lives. I know that maybe ther is no point in �naming� things like this but I guess I feel it is time.

I was pleasantly surprised to see him last night even if for only a few short hours. He brightened my day. We talked, hung out, ate and watch some anime. I love for these small moments with him. In truth he is the only person I have dated � actually had dates with. I tend to jump too fast and suddenly end up living with someone after an average of three dates. This is really nice. Just the time with him � learning a little more each time and seeing how well we mesh together. I can see him in my life for a long while. There is something great hiding there.