Truthfully I did spend time with my mother this weekend and learned that any time spent with her is hard on me. She is not a loving or kind person and her house is just a house - not a home. There is no comfort there for me or for my kids. We clashed on my decisions to let Gaylan see P.J. and we also clashed on her thoughts on my "love and sexual habits". It was very stressful and I was glad that TBND went with me - even though I know it was hard for him.
I left angry and depressed. I was told by my mother that "ever since you left this house 6 years ago you have done nothing good with your life and nothing I can be proud of." Strange how things are seen by another. Dreamspeaker thinks I should move away with out leaving a fwding address or phone number and just get away from her for a while.
I have never missed my parents. I miss my adopted parents a lot when we are apart and I look fwd to talking with them. But I have gone the longest (6 months) without ever talking with my parents and I truly did not miss the interaction. I guess I find it hard to blow them off even when they are being rude due to "family nature" and also guilt. But should I feel guilty to put myself into a position where I feel better.... where I feel like I am doing good?
They are angry that I am going back to school. They feel that I am neglecting my kids. I am trying to make their lives better in the long run - that is what I have been striving for all along.
I know that I have failings as a mother. I should be more regulated in their care... baths, potty training, discipline, etc.. I know that I am tried when I should not be and I should work through being tired and do everything I can for them. I just don't sleep that well lately. I get these dreams - and they wake me up. They are getting better as I am slowly conquering my fears of the dark and of fire.
I have always wonder why I am so afraid when I know that I am safe. I think that maybe some of it goes back to my parents and the "coldness" of growing up with them. Like I have said before - it was not a loving household. I always "thought" that they loved me but i never felt it... it was always some sort of bitter poison. I was expected to complete tasks and chores but we did not really have fun together nor did we really say that we loved each other.
My parents think that I remember thing wrong. I do not think so. I just feel that my side was different than theirs and they never realized that it was lacking. My parents have only once that I can remember, been seen in public holding hands and the first time I really saw my parents kiss in public was when my mother was terribly ill- 2 years ago. Maybe this is why I am the way I am - almost starved for attention and the need to have a really close group of friends around me.
This is rambling a bit but I feel a little lost. I need more time - more room to be able to take care of my kids and myself. I feel as though I am lacking. I feel that I am not able to give enough to my kids or my boyfriend - or even myself.
I am eating out of control again - I am letting my mood dictate my habits and my hunger. I eat when I am not hungry but when I feel sad or lonely. I don't want to do that. I am already ashamed of my body- lets not make it worse.
I know that I "feel" more tired than I am - I just can't snap out of it.