I had spent time with them before, though it was brief, and I was also a different person then. I was their son�s best friend�s wife and now I am dating their son. I guess it still felt weird to me because I assume that people are structured to judge people� at least that is how it works in my family. I never really realized that not everyone does that.
The kids were on perfect behavior too. I mean, they did great and I was very proud of them both. I know that meeting new people is a little frustrating on a little kid but when they realized that TBND�s parents were fun people, they warmed right up. PJ was pretty bummed out when we had to leave and kept asking when we would come back again. I am so happy that he had fun.
The hard part was that the whole experience made me both happy and depressed. It was a first hand look at a relatively happy family that liked each other�s company. There were visable signs that they all cared for each other, including physical contact and friendly bantering. How foreign. I really thought about my family and now I have a clearer view on why everyone else thinks my family is so odd. We are not this happy picture of a family. My family is distant, cold and non-physical. They do not touch nor act affectionate at all. It now seems so cold and raw � like a badly scripted scene in a sitcom. They are uncomfortable around each other and in their own homes.
God I hope I do not turn out like that.
Other than that� I am tired and more tired. Sleeping has gotten a little better for me but I still wake up sometimes due to dreams � so vivid that I can not tell if they are real or not. I still dream of smoke, screaming and flashes of flames. Maybe TBND is right and I should go and see someone. I just am not sure it will help. I am depressed sometimes when I should feel content and happy and I am starting to think that I may need to go back on my anti-depressants. I don�t really want to. I do fear that it may cause TBND to pull away from me�. I do not want to be someone who has �problems�. I guess that is a reason that I do not try and let things get to me and just plug through the day as is. Maybe I am just to scared to admit that I can not seem to handle everything as well as I should.
I don�t know.