Yes, I function okay in normal society but there are thing that really scare me into not sleeping well, not trusting people or situations, and rearranging my life to avoid things. I can live like this but I really do not want to � nor do I want to make TBND suffer along with me. No one should have to put up with all this stuff.
Truthfully I have seen people in the past but it was different. I was in a �group� in high school for LGBT kids � and that was some what fun until some how my mother found out and all hell broke lose. It was supposed to be a �private� meeting but she can always find things out. She went to the school and �informed� them that the school social worker was holding these sessions with �confused children� and was �leading them into a lifestyle�. It was hell and ver embarrassing.
Some time after that I learned from my parents that they were in counseling because of me, my behavior and their inability to understand me. They had been going there for about 6 sessions before the guy wanted to see me also. Let me say in advance that this was through the �Lutheran Counseling Services.� It was an ambush. I think that this guy�s tactic was to try and overpower me to become a �good� and �right� person. It was made clear to me that all of my parent�s problems and stress were my fault. It took a lot to get over this situation.
After that � about 5 years later I did see a psychiatrist in order to help with some mild depression that was really bugging me. I was on a prescription for a while but did stop when I was pregnant with PJ. I think that after the birth of both of my kids I did suffer from a mild post-partuem depression also but I was too busy to see it clearly and no one else told me that they saw it. I never followed back up with that doctor.
It is hard to stop feeling worthless � especially when your parents act as if you have ruined their lives.
I want help now though. I want to stop worrying so much. I want to shake this feeling of being �blue� that has no real value in my life. I want to be happy and enjoy being happy � especially the happiness that is because of TBND and our relationship. I want to sleep and I want the nightmares to stop.
I am a bit scared to go � but for the first time ever, it really feels right. I think that it will make a difference in my life.
I want to thank Dreamspeaker right now for riding with me last night to pick up PJ from his visit with his dad. She was a godsend. I am sorry that the trip was a little hectic (due to two big accidents) The interstate is a lot quicker and safer than the old back roads � but there is more chance of delays. I enjoyed our conversations and realize that out friendship is one of those �great ones� that you only see a few times in your lifetime. I can not guarantee that the trip will be smooth sailing but if you ever want to ride with me again I would greatly appreciate and enjoy it!