Every time he woke up � he work up PJ (just because they share the same space). At 12:30, Skeeter just did not want to go back asleep and he asked me to lay down with him. PJ then asked me to lay with him tomorrow night. They both seemed sad and tired. I think that they are stressed out. It has been a long time since one of them had wanted me to lay down with them until they fell asleep. A long time.
I never believed or adopted the theory of attachment parenting (one where you child from birth on is always in constant touch with you � sleeping in your bed, sharing space, etc.) I think that even if my life had allowed me to be a stay-at-home mom, I would not be able to handle that lifestyle.
So I wonder, once again, about the concept of a good mother.
I worry because I realize that my boys are smarter than the average bear and they realize that there are things changing right now. They know that I am busy and stressed and short tempered and I hate the fact that this is affecting them and their lives. I exploded yesterday because I made a mistake that lead to disaster and I feel horrible. Two nights ago, as I was getting Skeeter ready for bed, I made a mistake. I left the diaper wipes and the diaper rash cream on the floor by his bed. That was stupid. I just forgot about it � I was already in study mode and had just spaced out in regards to the boys (for general things).
The next morning � disaster has struck. The tube is not that big � about the size of a toothpaste tube but trust me, that cream is DESIGNED to spread out. It was on the windows, the walls, the floor, the toys, and the bed and of course on Skeeter. He was covered from the top of his head to the bottom of his foot in white pasty cream (well� everywhere but where the cream belong � on his butt � due to the diaper still being on) He smelled like aloe and was having a blast making the mess of all messes.
I was so angry I could not even find the humor in it and trust me � it was funny. It was my mistake though I was angry at the two year old who could not resist the temptation of �new age finger paint.� It was not his fault. It was mine. But I was in a hurry to get them to daycare so that I could get to school so that I could� well, do what I am doing. Later on yesterday � I sat and stared into their room trying to figure out how to clean it all and what to do about it. There are not a lot of choices � but I worked at it and I am not done yet.
I wonder some day that there is something I am missing. Maybe I don�t spend enough time smelling the roses or playing with the boys. Maybe I am too caught up in rules and structure that I don�t let them be kids enough. Do I ask too much? Do I ask too little? TBND taught PJ how to do the dished � in one 30-minute session. He love to do it � asking almost every night to �wash the small stuff.� I usually tell him to ask again tomorrow and I will just do it tonight. I worry about the possible mess of broken glass or water everywhere. But maybe I am not letting him grow up enough.
Then again � there is a part to him and to Skeeter that wants me to sleep with them at night. On nights when they can�t sleep well they want me� instead of the favorite stuffed animal (of the month) and even over the current superhero. They are still my little boys but they are growing up fast. I bought PJ some new clothes yesterday and well� I got the too small. Yikes. Time to rethink that.
Last night was long � added in was one complete and horrid panic attack � but I got over it once I called TBND (at 2:30am). Luckily he does not have class today and it was not a bother at all to call him. I needed that.