It was right then that I got this sick-to-my-stomach aching feeling in my heart and gut and turned away. He wanted to know what was wrong and I did not want to admit it. Once he realized I was jealous he reminded me of the current situation; that he was here with me, not them, and that he had been there practically every night for the last month. (It has already been a month!!!!!!) I know that he is right and I know that he will be and is faithful to me. I know that he wants me and he wants to be married to me. I know that we are trying to figure out what is going to happen in the fall with him having to move out of his place but not wanting me to lose out on my daycare benefits and my school loans.
I just was na�ve and never let the thought cross my mind that he would be dating. Yes, I realize I was. I was seeing two people in that time and also slept with them both. He saw a few girls and slept with three of them. I never let my self realize that he could have �found someone� while we were apart. I never realized that I truly could have lost him. It was that realization that still makes an ache in my chest when I think about it � and it actually reassures me that I am in the right place now. Strange huh?
In other news I have begun �spring cleaning�. James was a big help last night taking out about 6 big loads of garbage. I have decided that I own too much crap that I want to weed it out and get rid of as much as I can. I also have been really good about shopping � I haven�t been spending any extraneous money. It is hard because I still equate spending money with some base line happiness but I am getting better. I am finding other outlets for that same energy � namely cleaning at this point.
Part of me is scared to admit to be happy � I still fear that once I am, that something monstrous will come along and destroy it. It is a silly fear but I have had it all my life � and the fire was one of those things that keeps ringing in my head. I am getting better at it. I cam fall asleep with out checking and rechecking the house 50 times. I no longer have the nightmares or hear myself screaming in my head. I just am always waiting for the next bad thing to happen and I know that is not healthy for me� I am trying though and James is helping me a lot. He was able to deal with things a little better � probably with the time spend apart healing him. I have still been chasing the kids and all that that � kept myself too busy to heal and just dealing along the way.
I am moving forward though�. Far forward and fast.