I was depressed. I was angry and most of all I was just unable to function. I got no work done, no school work and no housework. If was as if I was paralyzed and could only sit and focus on my computer screen. I managed to pull it together for game but even then I was a little too spacey for my own good.
I spent most of Sunday in my own view of "therapy". I made myself look at this list of webpages Stories and Faces. Unlike most places that have links to homepages of patients, this one does not warn you if you are going to hit an active page or a memorial page. I spent about 6 hours crying and it really started to hurt. So far this has actually been the best way for me to cope. I have to remember that he could die from all of this; either the cancer, the harsh treatment or some side effect like seizures or brain bleeding. I have to remember that there is only an 85% chance of survivial - which mean living over 5 years past diagnosis and things do happen.
If it was me and not Skeeter I think that I would feel better. I can convince myself to fight and that all the pain is worth it. It is alot harder to teach that to a two year old whose entire body hurts him. It is hard to explain why we are poking him with needles, sedating him once and week and making him take so many medicines. I hate it all but I am not willing to let my baby slip away from me.
The routine falls into place though... and you just do it. The sleepless nights (up three times to change his sheets and his clothes from the sweat and pee), medicine twice a day, laundry that just seems to circular from washer to dryer to room to washer again, cleaning everything and every hand, wiping down ANYTHING in the bathroom that the chemo diapers could have touched. It just happens and suddenly it is normal.
Here is my rant that only Stryck may understand.
I grew up in a "Hallmark" family. Almost never did a week go buy that I had to buy, fill out, and send a card to someone: birthday, anniversary, thank you, thinking of you, sympathy. I could have funded my entire college education on those cards and stamp. It was expected of me and I did it. When my cousin Joan got sick with breast cancer, I sent the cards; at the beginning, the middle and the end of treatment- an absolute plethora of "thinking of you" crap. Now, the tables turn... it is not a birthday or something so trivial and even though I claim to not really be a card person... the thought counts. I have received cards from Dreamspeaker, kate-kat and one aunt. Where the f**k is the rest of the "family" - the ideal of goodness that I have been trained to raise up to... NO WHERE! A few notes of support from Stryck's sisters and mom are on Skeeter's webpage. But damn it... I want a return on my investment in Hallmark...I want my damn cards.
Also, some friend of my mother's gave her a gift and card to pass on to Skeeter. It was a cute stuffed bear and a nice card but the kicker was my mother. She brought with her an extra thank you card for me to send to this lady and actually told me to do it in a "timely manner." I just started laughing... nothing in my house is done in a timely manner anymore. What a joke!
I think I am a little closer to better... still a little depressed. I know that we can beat this leukemia and I have found alot of support on line from other moms in the same place and I DO have my friends. It is just a reality that there is something to worry about. I hate the hurt that I have to cause Skeeter but I know it is for his own good...and his life.