I just finished giving Skeeter his IV meds. (Sterile technique; Defridge meds 1/2 hour before, Load syringe gun, uncap Skeeter, flush line, uncap gun, start dispense, one hour, end dispense, flush line, heplock line, cap line.) His next dose is at 7:30 am - meaning I will be up at 7 am to prep. The dose after that is at 3:30pm.. meaning I will be home at 3pm to prep. In between I am supposed to work and do things and be places. I am not yet sure how to pull it off. As of right now (finger's crossed) the antibiotic is done as of Monday. Tuesday is sedation and chemo. Wednesday... my life? Maybe? School starts again on Monday the 24th.... gosh.
I wish I was two people.
I took a final exam today that I am not sure I even studied for. A weekend in the hospital tends to warp time and reality and though I think I did okay - I did not do my best. Instead I had to settle for the "best I could at a time like this." I hate settling for that. I know that I am smarter than that - I just ran out of time. Please can I have about 4 more hours a day? Please? I started to cry before I took it (I even had to reschedule my exam around Skeeter's meds and therefore was the only one taking it at the time) and cried afterwards.
I am such a failure.
JL went to Urgent Care tonight - a second reoccurance of a testicle problem. They got a little worried and sent him to the hospital for an ultrasound on it... in search of a possible twisted testicle or a tear in the testicle. Put him on anitbiotics and vicotine. The ultrasound was all clear - just looks like an infection so tomorrow he has to go to the Ureologist. Guess who has to take him? Guess who is sleeping peacefully behind me, spread out over the entire bed? I wish he could give Skeeter's meds but between his work hours, his left hand and lack of training - it is all up to me. Plus now he is "sick" with some sort of problem.
My problems are small and I just work through them.
PJ is feeling neglected... I know it. I can feel it and I can see it in his eyes. I don't know what to do about it. I am so short on patience but I know that I need to be there for him. I just can't seem to manage it. I should let him stay up late. I should let him have private time but once gain, where are my hours? He understand how Skeeter needs me right now. I just wish I could be a better mom with PJ too... right now.
I wish I was a better mom.
I am tried to a point that I am not sure that sleep will even fix and truthfully, "well rested" is a long ways down the road. Yet, as always, I search for some sort of distraction to call my own and to fixate my emotions on. Shopping makes me happy - for a fleeting moment and then the depression comes back. I try not to be depressed and I realize that happiness is supposed to be fleeting and content is the major goal of one's emotions. I would love content right now. I should try harder to be content.
I followed the whirlwind... I just wish I could catch upto it.
I wish I was three steps ahead... the supermom. Able to handle all crisis - and reschedule life's necessities at a moment's notice. But part of me is losing the spark that seem to make me ... well... me. I feel depressed, sad, broken and all in all rundown. It will change. It will get better. I just desperately need to somehow be brought back up.
Any help out there?