Yeah... I am frustrated and I am jittery and I am all sorts of mixed up. Some of it is situational. Some of it is other people and I know that some of it is me. I always have to be careful when I start getting consumed by something new because I tend to lose myself in the process. I focus so much on the new that I forget to remember the rest of me.
Frustrations do that.
J and I are giving it another chance but here I am again (no, not like before). He is not feeling all that great but is on a lot of codine... home all day yesterday and today. Yesterday I asked him to just sort the laundry...not put it away... just sort. Did it get done? Does it really matter? Normally no. Heck, I usually live out of the laundry basket but now with juggling work, Skeeter, school and everything else... I just need him to step up. Wow... this sounds familiuar. And I do realize that most men are like this. They just don't "see" what needs to be done. The frustrations are just starting to pile up and giving me that bristling angry feeling in the back of my neck.... you know, the one where I just want to rip people apart; anyway possible.
I just don't have a handle on things yet; not sure if there is a "handle" but I already tested my theory that I am depressed. I went shopping and was not even able to obtain the slightest of "happyvibe" buzzes. Grr... that is not good. Depressed and angry. I just wish I had a little more energy too. I want to tear apart my apartment - which I think I will tonight. It need to be rearranged, cleaned, and sorted. I want to throw out all the unnecessary junk that seems to take over my life. I want to set up my art area again.
That was one thing that was missing.
I have this "nervous tick." I am a creator. I need to be making things - be it paintings, cards, scrapping, knitting, or anything else I do. I wander around craft stores like they are supermarkets and I need to be feed. The longer I go without creating the more scatter brained I get. I wish I could live off of the stuff I made... that would be cool. I just need my hands to be doing something - or else I lose my mind. But it is not just that....
I still feel lost.
There is something that I can not seem to find or reach or manage to make out just right.
I feel like screaming and jumping up and down to make lots of noise.
I am so bottled up inside. I don't want to say that Skeeter is doing well - then something worse my happen. I don't want to get to hopeful but I don't want to be sad. I don't want to think about things such as "survival rate" and "relapse". I don't want to think about money and bills. I don't want to think about my final grades or next semister. I want to just get away for a little while - not long at all - so I can figure out how to break out of this.
Why can't I do it?
What am I missing?
I can usually pull myself out of this kind of funk but maybe this time I let myself get to deep. I missed the signs but then again I was focused on Skeeter much more than myself. I want to scream. It feel so quiet inside my head, my house, my life and I am not a quiet person - so it is almost eery to me. Like the silence of a horror movie or a graveyard... the kind that tingles your spine. I feel like breaking things - shattering glass and just being angry at the world. I feel like being bad.
Can I be bad?